Every couple I have ever seen in marriage counseling have had one common theme: feelings of being unloved. Typically it’s the woman dragging the man into therapy because she feels unloved. The man is often an unhappy participant because he believes he loves her and the very fact he was willing to come was a clear and obvious example. But like so many times before, the guy is feeling like he’s doing what she wants yet to his perspective she is never satisfied. The wife, on the other hand, is frustrated because she can often get him to go along with what she’s asking but his unhappy participation drains out all the joy. Why does he need to complain and moan about everything he is asked to do? This scenario of asking, getting and ultimately being disappointed by the negative mood in which it was given, plays out in coming to marital therapy and in all of their disagreements.
The message of hope is that there is love. The positive part of all this drama is that there is a connection in their relationship. The missing element is not love, but the understanding of how love is being expressed. In this article and short video clip I want to give gals a glimpse into the mind of their man and reveal the love that is truly there.
Did you ever see Clint Eastwood’s film, Gran Torino? There’s a great scene where Clint and a young man go to the barber. The barber then greets Clint with insults which are quickly returned by Clint. This is a perfect example of male love. They are not nice, touchy feely, or soft and kind with their words. They are sharp, caustic, and hurtful. Men equate pain with love. The soft tender displays of affection are what it takes for men to get sex, but being affectionate is not an impulse that a man craves to express.
When a guy is doing something he enjoys, it is typically not done for anyone else but himself. If he likes to mow the lawn then he is doing it for the pleasure of being outside. But if he hates to dust, and he does it because you need it, then he is doing that out of love. Love involves some kind of pain or sacrifice.
If you’re confused…it only gets worse. Because of this connection between love and sacrifice for a man to truly show his love, he must then show his pain. To be cheerful about dusting would be sending off the message that he is doing it for himself. In order to express his love, he needs to complain about his sacrifice. Men complain because they want you to know how much they love you and what a huge sacrifice they are making. He will roll his eyes, sigh, and grumble. These are all indications that he’s miserable.
Pretty crazy, huh? Check out the clip and then make a comment letting me know what you think. Then next time you ask to set up an appointment for the two of you and myself for Relationship Coaching Over the Phone and he starts to complain I want you to look at him and tell him “thank you”.
Why Men Complain
Previous post: Relationship Coaching: An Alternative to Marriage Counseling
Next post: When You Need Help Talking, Count on Us
{ 1 trackback }
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Good job. I was so glad to hear you just listened. Way to go.
Very true. I think the key lesson women learn is marriage, is that MEN ARE NOT WOMEN. And the sooner each gender learns to love and appreciate the other person for who they are, and not change them, then the better the relationship works.
I have to say I am pretty sure that my sweetheart would agree with this 100%, but knowing this doesn’t make me feel better… In addition I am afraid to let him read it, then he might see it as a way to “reason” it out which once again isn’t helpful.
Thanks for the insight. If that’s how men show love then I’ve experienced more “love” than one woman should ever have to hear in a lifetime. Of course, I do dishes, pick up after him and clean pee off the floor because I really want to do it. It fulfills me completely. Now I can sing a merry tune knowing that everytime my man complains about putting his clothes away or aiming for the actual toilet bowl I am being loved up. Wow…I’m deliriously grateful. Thanks so, so much. You’ve saved my relationship. And to think, all these years I thought love looked like respect, empathy, and mutual co-operation. How wrong was I?! I think I’ll show my love now by scratching my privates, belching and passing gas every evening. He’ll be in heaven!
I just had an interesting talk with my husband where he spent the whole time complaining about work. We have been reading this book called “Cracking the Communication Code”, so instead of me just saying what I was thinking I really tried to listen to him. He went on and on about work, and complaining that it was not what he wanted to do (etc…etc) and since this was his 2nd permanent and full time position over the last 3 years (and the first job only lasted 1 month) I was so tempted to really tell him what I thought, but instead I looked up complaining husbands and found your website. I really appreciate your translation. through being married I am learning that I can’t change him, and I definitely can’t change/stop his complaining (been there, and tried that) so the next best thing is try to understand what he is really saying behind this complaining, and I appreciate your help…Thanks for helping me understand him a little better!!!
It may be showing love but it is also disrespectful and irresponsible. There are many men who do a lot around the house without complaining and they love their wives, because they feel like the tasks they are doing are their responsibility. I think it has a lot to do with the roles in a house and the old fashioned sexist attitude of some men mixed with immature modern attitudes. It is my husbands job to be the head of the household, and to support us in everything, this includes emotional, financial, chores and child rearing. I don’t see how a man can be a strong head of a household if he is constantly causing conflict, the loss of respect on both sides is huge if he thinks it is OK to complain, even if it is his way of showing love. I have been married for over 9 years and we have 4 kids 7 and under, there is a lot to do, and it is OUR responsibility to do it, not just mine. The complaining shows he feels it is my responsibility and he is just a helper. If he REALLY took on responsibility for some of the tasks in the house he would no longer complain, because instead of thinking he is sacrificing for me, he would be thinking he is doing his own work. So I see that SOME men may complain about every task they are asked to do because they think if they show sacrifice they show love, but I believe it is only the men who are irresponsible and do not take on a strong leadership husband and father presence in the house. I really think you need to re-evaluate the TYPE of men who show love by complaining about household chores and tasks. These are men who do not feel a sense of responsibility regarding the running of the house, the chores and the child-rearing. My husband never complains to me about taking out the trash, or shoveling the walks, because in his eyes they have always been his responsibility, but he will complain about nearly every other task and chore, because he does not feel they are his job. It is however impossible for a family of 6 with 4 small children, pets, bills, a home and yard to maintain, food to buy and prepare… to be run smoothly by one person, and it should NOT be one person’s responsibility in a loving family. This is the main issue and it is not MY job to listen to the complaining and feel loved, it is HIS job to re-evaluate his life and decide if he wants to be a contributing member of our family, or just a whiney helper; take responsibility and quit whining about HIS jobs at home, or continue being immature and irresponsible and complain about every tasks he is required to do while still doing it because he will sacrifice for our love (and destroy our marriage and our children’s childhood in the meantime). The children of such men grow up learning that the women is the one who should do everything and that she is a nag and off base for expecting their father to help. This will lead to them (the girls) doing everything and feeling inferior because their father spent his whole life showing them it was not a man’s work, or (the boys) being sexist and feeling like their mother was a nag and expecting their wives to do everything, more unhappy marriages. The whining sniffling men are not only showing love, they are showing irresponsibility. Yes he may do the tasks that he hates and complain because he loves me, but the fact of the matter is they are not MY tasks, and he should learn to man up and take responsibility. Your little video and article are basically enabling men to not be responsible for their own families and homes. Instead of telling the women they should say thank you and suffer through the complaining, immature eye rolling and sighing (akin to a 14 year old boy dealing with his mother’s chore list) , you should be telling the men that they are causing conflict and loss of respect and teaching them to re-evaluate what their responsibilities are and to accept them and do such tasks without complain because the tasks are THEIR responsibility. It is ridiculous for you as a marriage counselor to not see this and to continue to enable immature and irresponsible men to destroy on their families.
I understand but it makes no sense to me!!!! I do things I don’t want to do for him but I don’t complain. Complaining = love? For me, doing it WITHOUT compaining = love! To me, complaining = “Why are you so bossy! You are nagging me, woman! I HATE doing this stuff for you and I’m letting you know.”
However, I will take your advice. Next time he complains, I will thank him and tell him that I love him. But I doubt very highly that I will “feel” loved. That will take some reprogramming on my part.
Although I understand where you are coming from and that men certainly do like to complain, I would wholeheartedly disagree with your acceptance of complaining as evidence of love. I think it is inappropriate and disrespectful for someone to complain to their spouse in the way that you mention. I do think it is fine and often therapeutic to complain or vent to a trusted party about problems at work, about difficulties with friends, etc. However, if I ask my husband to do the dishes, it is not helpful to the situation or the relationship for him to sit and complain about doing them. The dishes don’t get done that way. Sounds harsh, eh? Well, turn it around. Perhaps my husband can’t make it to the mechanic to get an oil change and I had plans to go out with a girlfriend to lunch, but man, the car needs to go in. As the wife, I may very well have to be disappointed and change my own plans, not to mention, I hate to do anything with the car. So should I, in that situation, complain, whine and sigh? Probably not. He’s only going to get angry with me and the car isn’t going to get its oil changed. I may be able to talk to my husband about trying to find another time to get it fixed or I could say, “Honey, you know I hate to do anything with the car, but if you really need me to do it, I can.” Likely, I’ll have to give up some of my time to do something I hate so that he can do something more important. I think it’s a bit of give-and-take on both sides and acceptance of the fact that a lot of the time, we’re not going to do things we like to do, but they have to be done. Only a short time ago, I spoke specifically to my husband about this and now we are familiar with what each other likes and dislikes doing. We’ve made a silent agreement, it seems, to be sure to show that person appreciation when he/she does do something he/she doesn’t like to do. That way, things get done, we don’t argue about them and we both feel loved and appreciated. There are better ways to express love.
Well if he complains and still doesn’t do what is asked is that still love it is very confusing to me. Doesn’t make much sense for me to have to figure out through complaining that my husband loves me that’s crap.
I would agree 100%! It’s actually a running joke with me and my man!
“This has all the makings of a great and helpful reality show. No bs. great delivery wonderful insight. you are the man !!”
Ok- so men complain and its love and women complain and its ??????- I know my husband would say- WHINING
“YOU, sir, are OUT of the CLUB!!!!”
Brett,
Very well done…lots of good information. I love what you are doing.
Keep up the good.
Very provocative with lots of good, humour to illustrate his point.
imarriage: your bromance video is killing me man…hilarious. ;)
Brett that was fairly insightful. Definitely has a ring of truth to it. BTW – you are adorable!!
That was very significant for me. Thanks for opening my eyes!