Every couple I have ever seen in marriage counseling have had one common theme: feelings of being unloved. Typically it’s the woman dragging the man into therapy because she feels unloved. The man is often an unhappy participant because he believes he loves her and the very fact he was willing to come was a clear and obvious example. But like so many times before, the guy is feeling like he’s doing what she wants yet to his perspective she is never satisfied. The wife, on the other hand, is frustrated because she can often get him to go along with what she’s asking but his unhappy participation drains out all the joy. Why does he need to complain and moan about everything he is asked to do? This scenario of asking, getting and ultimately being disappointed by the negative mood in which it was given, plays out in coming to marital therapy and in all of their disagreements.
The message of hope is that there is love. The positive part of all this drama is that there is a connection in their relationship. The missing element is not love, but the understanding of how love is being expressed. In this article and short video clip I want to give gals a glimpse into the mind of their man and reveal the love that is truly there.
Did you ever see Clint Eastwood’s film, Gran Torino? There’s a great scene where Clint and a young man go to the barber. The barber then greets Clint with insults which are quickly returned by Clint. This is a perfect example of male love. They are not nice, touchy feely, or soft and kind with their words. They are sharp, caustic, and hurtful. Men equate pain with love. The soft tender displays of affection are what it takes for men to get sex, but being affectionate is not an impulse that a man craves to express.
When a guy is doing something he enjoys, it is typically not done for anyone else but himself. If he likes to mow the lawn then he is doing it for the pleasure of being outside. But if he hates to dust, and he does it because you need it, then he is doing that out of love. Love involves some kind of pain or sacrifice.
If you’re confused…it only gets worse. Because of this connection between love and sacrifice for a man to truly show his love, he must then show his pain. To be cheerful about dusting would be sending off the message that he is doing it for himself. In order to express his love, he needs to complain about his sacrifice. Men complain because they want you to know how much they love you and what a huge sacrifice they are making. He will roll his eyes, sigh, and grumble. These are all indications that he’s miserable.
Pretty crazy, huh? Check out the clip and then make a comment letting me know what you think. Then next time you ask to set up an appointment for the two of you and myself for Relationship Coaching Over the Phone and he starts to complain I want you to look at him and tell him “thank you”.
Why Men Complain
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I understand but it makes no sense to me!!!! I do things I don’t want to do for him but I don’t complain. Complaining = love? For me, doing it WITHOUT compaining = love! To me, complaining = “Why are you so bossy! You are nagging me, woman! I HATE doing this stuff for you and I’m letting you know.”
However, I will take your advice. Next time he complains, I will thank him and tell him that I love him. But I doubt very highly that I will “feel” loved. That will take some reprogramming on my part.
Although I understand where you are coming from and that men certainly do like to complain, I would wholeheartedly disagree with your acceptance of complaining as evidence of love. I think it is inappropriate and disrespectful for someone to complain to their spouse in the way that you mention. I do think it is fine and often therapeutic to complain or vent to a trusted party about problems at work, about difficulties with friends, etc. However, if I ask my husband to do the dishes, it is not helpful to the situation or the relationship for him to sit and complain about doing them. The dishes don’t get done that way. Sounds harsh, eh? Well, turn it around. Perhaps my husband can’t make it to the mechanic to get an oil change and I had plans to go out with a girlfriend to lunch, but man, the car needs to go in. As the wife, I may very well have to be disappointed and change my own plans, not to mention, I hate to do anything with the car. So should I, in that situation, complain, whine and sigh? Probably not. He’s only going to get angry with me and the car isn’t going to get its oil changed. I may be able to talk to my husband about trying to find another time to get it fixed or I could say, “Honey, you know I hate to do anything with the car, but if you really need me to do it, I can.” Likely, I’ll have to give up some of my time to do something I hate so that he can do something more important. I think it’s a bit of give-and-take on both sides and acceptance of the fact that a lot of the time, we’re not going to do things we like to do, but they have to be done. Only a short time ago, I spoke specifically to my husband about this and now we are familiar with what each other likes and dislikes doing. We’ve made a silent agreement, it seems, to be sure to show that person appreciation when he/she does do something he/she doesn’t like to do. That way, things get done, we don’t argue about them and we both feel loved and appreciated. There are better ways to express love.
Well if he complains and still doesn’t do what is asked is that still love it is very confusing to me. Doesn’t make much sense for me to have to figure out through complaining that my husband loves me that’s crap.
I would agree 100%! It’s actually a running joke with me and my man!
“This has all the makings of a great and helpful reality show. No bs. great delivery wonderful insight. you are the man !!”
Ok- so men complain and its love and women complain and its ??????- I know my husband would say- WHINING
“YOU, sir, are OUT of the CLUB!!!!”
Brett,
Very well done…lots of good information. I love what you are doing.
Keep up the good.
Very provocative with lots of good, humour to illustrate his point.
imarriage: your bromance video is killing me man…hilarious. ;)
Brett that was fairly insightful. Definitely has a ring of truth to it. BTW – you are adorable!!
That was very significant for me. Thanks for opening my eyes!