I responded to this blog created by Meredith Goldstein in the Boston Globe yesterday August 25th 2009, and I thought I would share my answer with you all as well.
When is right? No, not to get married, but I would love to hear your and your readers thoughts on when is it right to move in together with a significant other. My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and we’re starting to discuss it.
He has never lived with a significant other before. I lived with one of my exes for several years, but it obviously didn’t work out. In retrospect, I believe the relationship would have ended at least six months sooner had we not been living together so I’m somewhat wary of that happening again. In the previous situation, for practical reasons we moved in way too soon (at three months) though the first couple of years were great.
I’m worried for practical reasons – cutting down both expenses in this delightful recession and the oodles of time traveling between apartments – might be coloring the discussion, but we are both very happy in the relationship and already spend virtually every night together. If it’s relevant, we’re in our early 30s and he owns (and has a larger apartment) so I’d move into his place.
I’m sure there’s a range of opinions out there from “don’t until you’re married” to “you’re already living together in two apartments,” but I’m hoping for some more concrete thoughts than vague generalizations such as “you know when you’re ready.” I know we’re not quite ready just yet, but I’m curious when folks knew it was right – or realized later why it was wrong.
Dear Moving In,
Listen to your gut, it’s always right! People have regrets when they look back and say “I should have listened to myself”. That’s when the kicking of your own butt begins. Clearly your gut is saying “not yet-almost but not yet”. Keep listening. ONLY YOU WILL KNOW.
In the meantime, ask yourself the question. “What am I missing from the relationship that would make it right, take it to the next level?” Then ask yourself the question, “what can I do in the meantime to get the relationship to that next level?” More than focusing on moving in or not, focus on what needs to happen to make things even better.
Listen to yourself and always grow, do these two things and you will never look back with regrets.
Brett R. Williams
Mr. Marriage
