What do couples fight about? 
I read an article on the internet that ranked what couples argue about from most to least frequent. Before you read on, think about the question yourself. What are you fighting about? Brainstorm all the topics you have talked about in the last month. “I was frustrated that Jim forgot to pick up the kids.” “Sally, left the house a mess.” Take a piece of paper and write it all down. Throw the words on the page anywhereyou want, with no concern for organization, just list as many conflicts as you can think of. After you have remembered a dozen or so, then go back and look for themes. How many had to do with the kids, time, or not getting your needs met?
What the surveys showed as the top six were:
Money
Sex
Work
Children
Chores
In-laws
Is this true for your list. I came up with a few that I did not see on the list but I know are true for people: feeling unloved, lack of communication, or no time together.
The issue I have with this article however is not that it is incomplete, but that it is inaccurate. These are not the core of our conflicts. These are the core of our unhappiness, but not our arguments. Couples are really fighting about one thing: who’s right and who’s wrong.
We get unhappy, and that’s normal enough, the problem comes in trying to express our unhappiness. In a healthy relationship, talking about the things that make us sad or hurt creates intimacy and strengthens our love. It creates understanding and compassion, as well as change.
But in a conflict (aka a fight), we do not experience that bonding because our words create division and discord. It is not the topics that are bringing on these problems, but our delivery, our right fights. This is when couples need help talking.
The problem is not the topic, but the technique. You can divorce someone and maybe avoid dealing with that topic, but your communication technique will follow you and create problems in your next relationship. The issues are different from relationship to relationship, but the right fight is always at the core of any conflict until couples get help talking. To read more pick up a copy of You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married.
Make time to talk today with some you are in conflict with, an we will give you the structure and skills you need to talk it through.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Nicely written article and lovely blog. Thanks for sharing the information. Have a nice day!
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Meaningful, important video! But the guy delivering the talk is so handsome and charismatic, I was sometimes distracted from the words. Just kidding (sorta) I know it takes a lot of work to put together a video, but you sure know how to present your important message for couples with passion and professionalism. I hope many couples are rescued from their fight to be right before the countdown, and can learn to be a team, rather than opponents, in dealing with their problems. I’m very proud of you, Brett. Keep up your good work for others!
I believe communication is key in any relationship. I have been an Instructor in Crew Resource Management (CRM) in my industry for over 20 years. That concept is now being translated to the medical/operating room enviornment. When you say ‘talk with certain people or about particular topics’ that’s what I have been doing. Being not afraid to communicate. Knowing communication has two sides – sender/receiver. Willing to listen. Willing to participate as both sender and receiver. The basics of communication that most people do not understand.
Communication is not easy for many. Yet, necessary for all. I wish you the best.
Thanks Kristen.
Great points! I love what you’re doing with your site. Rock on!