At the end of this article there is a self test, but first let me share a little about what this test is all about.
Relationships move through three basic dispositions; negative (conflict), neutral (roommates), and positive (honeymoon). Each of these seasons has their own characteristics ranging from closeness & love to tension & hostility. The moods that accompany these three periods are very familiar to most couples. What needs to be understood, and seldom is, are the limitations and needs of these dispositions. Download the above test and evaluate your relationship, then look below to understand what needs to be your next step.
Negative relationship
The problem here is that both parties are trapped in a defensive/blame cycle. Their explanations, justifications, and even communications only perpetuate the negativity. The frustration, hurt, and anger reflected in their tone and body language serves to stimulate the similar feelings in their partner. Therefore, when couples are in a negative space they should REFRAIN FROM COMMUNICATION. Instead couples must begin looking at themselves to deal with their own negative moods and emotions. The opposite of blame is responsibility. Hence, the only cure for the blame game is to have even one person own their behavior.
3 Needs:
- Stop the blame game.
- Take personal responsibility.
- Do not communicate.
The first half of the book You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married addresses how couples can begin to regain the self understanding needed to heal a negative relationship. Go to the products section and check out the first chapter.
Neutral relationship
Indifference is the silent killer of most relationships. Marriages don’t typically end in a fiery blaze; but instead simply fade away. The opposite of love is not anger its indifference. The conflicts in this phase are less dramatic than the negative periods, but the lack of attention and energy does just as much damage.
The need here is to rebuild a connection and restore the bonds between them. Until the two are reunited communication about intense and stressful issues will place the pair again in a negative relationship pattern.
3 Needs:
- Understand your style of love.
- Understand what kind of attention your partner needs.
- Do not communicate about negatively charged issues.
Couples in a neutral relationship need to understand how each of them wants to be loved. Creating the love that will bring them together is the primary task of this season. This is achieved by understanding the simple principle that love and attention function in the same way. The second section of Brett’s book goes into deal about how this simple truth is applied in healthy marriages.
Positive relationship
The couples that are able to keep their love alive consciously give to each other on a regular basis. Daily gifts, time, and talking continually renews their relationship. With a firm foundation of love the couples are able to then share about hurts, fears, disappointments, and desires. Only when they believe that the other person has their best interests at heart can they be vulnerable. Communication happens naturally and easily when two people have trust, love, and respect. And in fact their communication will keep their connection alive as they share with each other on a regular basis.
3 Needs:
- Giving – simple gifts of attention.
- Talking – 20 minutes per day about non-stressful topics once a week about difficult issues.
- Dating – daily time together, and out once per week.
The last section of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married explains how this program of renewed love is created. Check out our on-line store and order a copy for your relationship.
If you would like to move your relationship through a negative or neutral place, and/or learn the skills needed to keep the love alive you can go to the scheduler and make an appointment for yourself and/or your partner.
