My wife says that she has never been sexually attracted to me. She doesn’t dislike sex with me but just doesn’t have that passion and lacks sexual affection. Her psychiatrist told her that she either has that or doesn’t. It wasn’t something that could be obtained. It is starting to put a lot of stress on our marriage. Do you agree with her psychiatrist’s opinion?
Passionless Sex thanks for you question,
If I am hearing your question correctly, this is not a sex question as much as a passion issue. It sounds like the problem is not the lack of sex or even the frequency of sex, but the fact that sex does not have a lot of excitement. That’s all saying to me that what is missing is an emotional connectionto your sexual affection. There are no strong feelings with sex. It is simply a physical act. My guess would be your entire relationship is passionless, but you only notice it when it comes to sex because sex is what’s important to you. If what we are talking about is an emotional problem, then yes emotions can be changed!
Passion is the fruit of a happy and loving relationship. So let me use the example of an apple tree to help you understand where you need to focus. When a tree is healthy and well cared for it produces a bountiful crop. I have had fruit trees in my own backyard that have produced so much fruit I could not give it all away. So it is with love and passion.
But if the tree is unhealthy, diseased, or neglected, then the fruit will not come or the fruit is very limited. Sex is not the issue. The quality of relationship should be your focus. It could be that your wife does not feel romanced by you and therefore has a much more brotherly relationship with you. If that is true she loves you, but does not want to make love with you. That being the case, you need to seduce her. Make her fall in love with you. Make her want you by learning how to play the game of love.
It is easy to focus on your wife as the one with the problem. The trouble with this approach is that it leaves you powerless. See this situation as a challenge that you need to master.
Imagine that you are single, and at a bar, and see the most beautiful woman in the world. You can have her, but this will take some work. Your attitude, voice tone, approach, and timing will all need to be perfectly tuned into what she is needing and wanting. And if you play your cards right, you will get lucky!
The need to invest yourself in winning a woman’s affection does not change just because you got married. My guess would be that there is no passion in your marriage because you have not done much to create it. Take her out on dates, write her love notes, spend ten minutes everyday looking at her as you ask her about her day.
If you don’t want to do any of this because you believe the problem is hers, or that you shouldn’t have to work to have sex with your wife, then I can tell you with 100% confidence this problem will never change. I hope and pray this latter attitude is not yours.
Spend the next few weeks, months, and years learning about seducing your wife. Learn how to bring her love, how to meet her needs in ways you have never done before.
If you are serious about learning how to love, you can pick up a copy of my book You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married- love based solutions for couples here on the site.
Good luck! And I hope you get lucky,
