My wife says that she has never been sexually attracted to me. She doesn’t dislike sex with me but just doesn’t have that passion and lacks sexual affection. Her psychiatrist told her that she either has that or doesn’t. It wasn’t something that could be obtained. It is starting to put a lot of stress on our marriage. Do you agree with her psychiatrist’s opinion?
Passionless Sex thanks for you question,
If I am hearing your question correctly, this is not a sex question as much as a passion issue. It sounds like the problem is not the lack of sex or even the frequency of sex, but the fact that sex does not have a lot of excitement. That’s all saying to me that what is missing is an emotional connectionto your sexual affection. There are no strong feelings with sex. It is simply a physical act. My guess would be your entire relationship is passionless, but you only notice it when it comes to sex because sex is what’s important to you. If what we are talking about is an emotional problem, then yes emotions can be changed!
Passion is the fruit of a happy and loving relationship. So let me use the example of an apple tree to help you understand where you need to focus. When a tree is healthy and well cared for it produces a bountiful crop. I have had fruit trees in my own backyard that have produced so much fruit I could not give it all away. So it is with love and passion.
But if the tree is unhealthy, diseased, or neglected, then the fruit will not come or the fruit is very limited. Sex is not the issue. The quality of relationship should be your focus. It could be that your wife does not feel romanced by you and therefore has a much more brotherly relationship with you. If that is true she loves you, but does not want to make love with you. That being the case, you need to seduce her. Make her fall in love with you. Make her want you by learning how to play the game of love.
It is easy to focus on your wife as the one with the problem. The trouble with this approach is that it leaves you powerless. See this situation as a challenge that you need to master.
Imagine that you are single, and at a bar, and see the most beautiful woman in the world. You can have her, but this will take some work. Your attitude, voice tone, approach, and timing will all need to be perfectly tuned into what she is needing and wanting. And if you play your cards right, you will get lucky!
The need to invest yourself in winning a woman’s affection does not change just because you got married. My guess would be that there is no passion in your marriage because you have not done much to create it. Take her out on dates, write her love notes, spend ten minutes everyday looking at her as you ask her about her day.
If you don’t want to do any of this because you believe the problem is hers, or that you shouldn’t have to work to have sex with your wife, then I can tell you with 100% confidence this problem will never change. I hope and pray this latter attitude is not yours.
Spend the next few weeks, months, and years learning about seducing your wife. Learn how to bring her love, how to meet her needs in ways you have never done before.
If you are serious about learning how to love, you can pick up a copy of my book You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married- love based solutions for couples here on the site.
Good luck! And I hope you get lucky,
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
A man, being a man, treating a woman right, and being romantic doesn’t always work. I know this because I’ve done it all…
I see that marriage is a flawed religious invention that is seriously unnatural to our evolutionary history. Marriage goes against nature.. nature always wins.
Throughout our 200,000+ years as a species, man has always procreated with as many women as possible to ensure the survival of his seed. Now it seems we’re shamefully reduced to manipulation and methods of re-courtship on a non sexual woman – women who have probably already fulfilled her child bearing objectives… it’s like throwing pearls to swine.
My wife has been married four times previously. All ended in divorce. The first because he got his girlfriend pregnant, the second because he was druggy and not committed to anything. With him she had two children which he refused to support, the third because they just weren’t able to get along, and the fourth sold her house out from under her and apparently physically abused her. Together they had two children. To this date, his support is sporatic.
I am no saint, but she and I had a son and he is the treasure of my life. I would never leave her because it would tramatize him. She has him sleep with her and he feels highly dependent on her. To me, it is as if he was her crutch.
She loves to make cruel and harsh statements. Her father died of ALS in 2006 and I am wondering if she is afraid I might die and leave her alone. She comments repeatedly that if anything happened she couldn’t take care of the house. I just can’t get over her refusal to be involved in our sexual experience. It is as if okay I’ve spread my legs you do the rest, and then she doesn’t want to have any more because it wasn’t satisfying to her. She is just so impersonal. We sent a lot of e-mails especially at night because she will not talk about it openly. It seems that she is trying to make me angry enough that I would leave, but that would never happen because of my son. I send her notes and I try to avoid confronting or berating her. She just wants to find faults where she can.
My wife had a baby in March 2007, and we had sex in January and once again in May. We did not have any the rest of the year. In 2008 we moved into a larger, old home. We might have had sex once or twice during the year. In 2009, she had bariatric surgery in September. I finally talked her into have sex in late December. It was terrible because I was out of the medication I had been taking. Since I was diagnosed in 2004, I was using cialis. I ran out in 2007. I got a new supply on a regular basis but I still hear from my wife that we might as well get used to the fact that somethings(as she puts it) don’t work anymore. We have had sex a couple of times recently, but she feels like I am pressuring her. WE can only do it late at night and in her bed(we sleep separately because she still allows 3 yr. old to sleep with her). I have asked her about trying various positions, but she nixes the idea. I have asked her to touch me and possibly guide me in, but she doesn’t feel it is her responsibility. I wear a condom on her bequest to avoid any mess. She just wants to lay there. It is very disheartening that she does not want to be a part of the experience, but she feels if she drinks before the act it will numb her. Yet with all of this she says she loves me.