Hi Mr Marriage,
I am so very hurt, confused and I feel abandoned. My husband is not giving me 100% of himself anymore! Everything is nonchalant and uncaring with regards to his response to me. I can only tell him how I feel and he says everything is about me. Everything is not about me but I’m trying to communicate whereas he refuses to. I don’t feel loved and he’s even told me that he doesn’t love me the same. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know what to do with him saying he doesn’t want men to treat our daughter’s how he treat’s me, however there is no change. He says he hears everything I say. I can’t deal with it anymore! I feel like I’m a wife on paper instead of how he used to love me. He’s refusing to get counseling and I’m trying to not let my heart become hard for him. I feel divorce is eminent. I have fought for 14 1/2 years to see it go down the drain. And I’m starting to feel like divorce would be better than to continue suffering like this. Help me, please…if you can. Lovelessness
Dear Lovelessness,
Fourteen and one half years of marriage and it’s all going to end in a divorce. My heart is broken for you. I can feel your despair. It sounds like you have tried everything you know and nothing has worked. Even worse it sounds like you still believe in the marriage and believe it could work, but if feels like your husband does not want to do anything to create change, like going to counseling. It does feel you are the only one trying. And although you want your marriage, you are running out steam and can’t do it all yourself.
I do believe there is hope. You are ready to change and want to change, and that’s where the hope is. Because he does not want to change it feels like you are trapped. The good news is, you can create change without him. Changes that will make you happy, change that will make you strong, change that will restore your heart to the happiness that was once there.
I wish I could give you all the answers in an e-mail, but that’s not how it works. What I can do is use this e-mail to give you hope because there is hope. You only know what you know. And I hear you have tried everything you know. Talking with me I will show you what you don’t know, and teach you to restore your relationship even without him.
People are capable of great love. There is no limit to our ability to love. We can love a building like a house, or an inanimate object like a car. We can love people with extreme mental and emotional problems. So your heart can learn to love him again (even when he is a jerk).
Does he deserve your love? No!!!! But I am not suggesting you love because he doing all he should. I want you to love because being loving will make you happy. I want you to fill your heart with love because that’s what gives you meaning and joy.
I heard you say you feel you give 100% and without his response you feel defeated. I had a roommate in college who was in a coma for 3 months after an accident. He did not respond to anyone, but I came everyday to see him, and I brought him all my love. It did not matter that I did not get a response back. I just keep loving. You are not really loving because your attention has strings attached. Your love is more like an exchange. Where you give but don’t get paid though his attention, so you feel cheated. Make your attention free. And you will feel the joy of loving again. Have no expectations other than he is going to be himself.
Again you may ask your elf “why should I love unconditionally?” Because it make you happy. Love is unlike any other emotion in that love feels great if you are receiving it or if you are giving it. When I sit here now and take a breath or two and send my love to my children I feel warm and full of joy. The reason you don’t feel good is in part because he is not giving you love, but the other half of that is because you are not sending him love. So fill your heart at least half way with your love, and you will have twice the love you have now.
And once you feel your love return, once you feel good about yourself, once you are strong and confident, if he does not come along, then you will have the resources you need to leave, if that’s what you still want.
I look forward to working with you, in person or over the phone. Together we will get you again to be full of love. Only after you are in a positive place, we will look at what you need to do with the marriage.
Go to my site HelpTalking.com and set an appointment today.
We will take soon,
Mr. Marriage
