Forget Holiday Blues- Holiday Conflicts are the Real Danger!

“Of course I am going to call you. Why are you asking me again?” I admit this was all said with a tone that conveyed “You are STUPID.”

Yesterday I bit Lynda’s head off because she asked if I would let her know what I found out from the airlines regarding our vacation plans next week.

I guess I got reactive because I felt she was checking on my like a child.

Luckily for both of us Lynda did not react to my upset and she gave me a few hours calm down. At that point I apologized for my outburst.

Much of the help out there for the holidays focuses on dealing with the “holiday blues”.  However there is another problem created by the stress of the season which I call “holiday conflict”.  It is this time of year that my marriage counseling practice takes off.  Couples have more fights in December than any time of year.  In fact January typically has the highest number of divorce filings than any other month.

To understanding why tempers flair during this time of year you have to understand stress.  All of our reactions and arguments come from the added stress this time of years brings.  Stress is a demand placed on us that pushes us to our limits.  If I put tons of weight on a structure you can say you are stressing that building, because stress, pressure, or demands are all used interchangeably.

Here’s the interesting part, it does not matter if that stress is positive or negative, if it is something good or something bad.  Getting married can produce as much stress as getting fired.

Armed with this new understanding, it should become obvious why Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas are all filled with stress.  Because the added demands created by these celebrations push people to their limits.  Gifts, meals, visiting relatives, and extra cleaning all produce added pressure.

Tension, frustration, irritation, and a general lack of patience are all common reactions to stress. Without an emotional cushion, our tolerance level drops and before we know it we are snapping at each other over trivial issues.  Our partner is unfortunately just as stressed as we are and their reaction is to snap back, which sets off conflict.

What can be done? Lynda did the right thing.  She acknowledged what I said and did not react to my reaction.  Stay out of each other’s emotional upset.  A technique called monologing.

There are 7 essential communication skills taught at Help Talking, from loving to problem solving, but the one most relevant to the season is learning how to stay out of each other’s stress.  The key idea here is that there can only be one crazy person in the relationship at a time. By only having one person venting their stress at a time it prevents a relationship from feeding off negativity and becoming explosive.  When your partner is stressed and you remain calm, it gives them a chance to dissipate their energy and feel better.  Likewise, when you are venting and your intimate can remain a neutral sounding board, it will give you a safe place to discharge.

One simple technique for creating a constructive monologue is find an object like a tissue box or a pillow and allow that to signify who is talking and who is listening.  Hold on to the pillow as long as you need in order to say everything that needs to be shared.  The other person can and should make comments, but all the remarks should be focused on supporting what the person with the pillow is saying.  If the person with the pillow is repeating themselves, it is because he/she does not feel heard, and the listener (the one without the pillow) will need to redouble their efforts to let the speaker know he/she is being heard and understood.

This maybe one of those situations where it is easier said than done.  Learning to monologue can take some practice and know how.   A relationship coach or a marriage counselor can really assist by stopping  the reactivity and defensiveness and keep the monologue focused and productive. Before your next blow out, make an appointment for relationship coaching.  We can help you talk through your stress and conflict and resolve issues so that you can have a joyous celebration and a happy relationship.   Our relationship coaches can help you learn to monologue and that valuable gift will be a gift that gives all year long!