Help! We are not having enough sex. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and currently live together. He has no problem with non-sexual affection: we are constantly cuddling, he kisses me frequently, we hold hands all the time, he holds me at night, and even writes the occassional love note.
The only problem in our relationship is the lack of sex. We only have sex if I initiate it and since I have stopped initiating it out of frustration we only have sex 2-3 times per month. I have talked to him about it a few times and he states that due to our limited time together (I work days, he usually works
nights) that he would rather spend our time together enjoying each other’s company than having sex. Even though I haven’t gained any weight since we first got together, I worry that he’s not attracted to me and is with me out of convenience (I make quite a bit more than him, but I do make him pay for his share of rent and the bills). I don’t think he’s gay, but I don’t know what the problem is. Everything else is so great between us, so I don’t want to leave him, but this lack of sex is really hurting my self-esteem. Please help!
Thanks for writing,
As I read through your message I hear the pain in your story. Your note communicates confusion and concern about the future. But most of all there is a disconnection between you and your boyfriend that creates an even greater disconnection because he does not seem to see it or understand it. What concerns me even more however, is how it is affecting you personally. I hear it clearly in your last line. “…this lack of sex is really hurting my self-esteem.” From this line I can only imagine the lack of sex is making you feel unattractive.
I am so glad you wrote to me because all of this feels like a lot to carry. Let me start off with a question. Please think about this question carefully and answer it honestly. Are you willing to change, or are you only looking for you boyfriend to change?
If you are reading on, I am assuming you are open to looking at yourself and starting with what you can control. That’s great. Here is the problem: emotions exist to propagate themselves. Fear creates more fear, not peace or love, and self-doubt creates more self-doubt. Look back in your life. Have you ever felt insecure or undesirable before? Have you ever had doubts that you were wanted? Most likely these are old feelings from the past.
On average couples have sex 4 times a month. You two are slightly below that average, but within a normal range. It is true that you are making that happen by initiating it, but this is also pretty normal. Most couples do not want sex at the same frequency. One person usually wants it more than the other.
Problems arise when we start believing it is not normal and we start asking ourselves what is wrong. Then you start picking apart the relationship, and in turn, attacking yourself. That is what is happening here.
One quick fix is to put it into a different context and see how fast your feelings change. Can you imagine how you would react if your boyfriend had a genetic heart problem and one of the medications he has to take will decrease his sex drive? What if the medication made him not want sex at all? Now imagine there is a 90% chance that this same medication will save his life.
How would you respond? My brain quickly jumps to looking at the positives. I imagine thinking that it was great that this medication would keep him alive and the decrease in sex drive is a small price to pay. I imagine myself saying, “It could be worse. What if the medication took all of the sex drive? I am glad there is a medication that could save his life.” And again I am feeling better and now seeing the positive. At this point, positive feelings build more positive feelings.
One last suggestion; make an appointment and lets all talk. I would think it is important for you to voice your concerns in a way that he can hear it and understand your deeper feelings. Because he does not seem to feel bad about the relationship, I would guess he does not understand your feelings. And it would also benefit you to hear his point of view, and confirm what I am saying: that it’s not you. Let’s sit down and all talk.
Take care,
