Getting The Love Back

A frequent question I get asked in my private practice, and see on the internet is: can I get the love back in our relationship?  The answer is always YES!

There are no limits to our ability to love. We can renew our love and increase loving feelings for each other.  We can even increase our feelings of connection with someone who has died. People feel love for inanimate objects like cars and houses. Remember Patty Hearst?  She developed feelings of closeness and affection for the people who kidnapped her.  It was called Stockhausen syndrome.
If we can love pieces of metal with wheels, or build a bond with strangers who have taken us away from everyone and everything we love, then YES, you can fall in love with someone you once loved very deeply. Here is how I am going to help you find the love again with a simple exercise called The One Minute Miracle.  You can find it in more detailed in You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married.  Let’s start with a baseline.  I want to be able to measure your progress.  So in a journal or in your day planner, rate how close you feel as a couple from 1-10.  One means no connection, and ten equals marital bliss. After you are done with this exercise today, and again after a week of doing this exercise, check your number and note any changes.

Let’s start by laying the ground work.  First we have to understand that LOVE is the free gift of our ATTENTION. Love is not a mystery it is a function of the level of our regard. That said, the more attention you bring to this next exercise the better it will work at creating feelings of love.

Take one minute out of your day, clear away all distractions and focus on your spouse.  Spend the first 15 seconds becoming attentive and present.  Sit in a comfortable quiet place, breath, and close your eyes.

For the next 15 seconds create a visual picture of your partner.  See them in your mind’s eye in perfect detail. Think of their hair, nose, eyes, face, and body.  Give them your complete regard visually.

Once your quiet and have created a clear picture of your partner, then tell them all the things you appreciate about them.  “you’re a great mom…or wonderful provider”.  For the next 15 seconds list all the positives. For the final 15 second segment you will imagine giving them a hug and giving them a tender kiss.  Hold their hand in your mind and feel the warmth of their skin next to yours. 

As you finish, take one last breath and  say  their name as you breath in.  Then say I love you as you release the breath.  Remember actions first, feelings second. As you practice this exercise three times every day for the next week you will find your emotions growing stronger and more positive.  In fact, check within yourself after doing this exercise even once, and notice any small shifts in your feelings.  You may feel more relaxed, or feel a fondness for your partner, or more appreciation.  However you experience the change, continue to use the excercise all week.

Please add a comment below and let me know how well it’s working, or share your experience.  I look forward to hearing from you.