Hi Brett,
My name is Kyle. I’m 21 years of age married to a wonderful woman, We have been together for roughly 2 1/2 years and counting. When we first got together it’s was amazing, we never fought about anything. About a year later she had our daughter Emalie. After the birth things started to go downhill and fast. Now we fight about everything under the sun. I have never been able to express my love to anyone frankly because my father was the same way. Don’t get me wrong me mom and dad are doing great. It’s me that i’m worried about, She says I don’t show her love. I never cuddle with her and she always tells me stuff and snaps off at me with it slips my mind. (which I do have to work on that) That’s my problem I don’t know how to change. I try and everything goes good for about 2 – 3 days then it goes south again. I’m just confused.
Please whatever advice you have will do.
Thank You
Kyle M.
Hi Kyle,
I am so glad you wrote me. I can hear your heart is heavy with fear for your relationship and for your future family. I am guessing you are feeling discouraged that you’re never going to be able to meet your wife’s needs and make her happy. And the whole thing feels kind of hopeless because you did not see that kind of affection growing up and therefore you don’t know what to do to change. Am I hearing it right?
Here’s the deal when it comes to love: love is attention. When you are paying attention to her she feels like you care. When you let things slip your mind, it feels to her like you are not paying attention and therefore don’t care. Pretty simple so far.
Where it gets a little complicated is in the fact that not everyone receives attention in the same way. You need to pay attention to what kind of attention she like: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (physical). There is a relationship quiz on my website, HelpTalking.com, that will help you figure it out. My guess would be she is auditory because of her upset with you forgetting what she said.
Next you need to learn some empathy skills, a way of showing understanding to what she is expressing. When you are able to show empathy/understanding she will feel like your paying attention and that you love her. The first part of my message I tried to show understanding to your fears and concerns. You need to practice the same skill.
The quickest way will be through modeling (hearing someone else do it the correct way). What I would suggest is that you two make an appointment for phone relationship coaching. With me, you, and her on the phone I can help you walk through any conflict. If we have done our job right, she will leave that call feeling connected, even though you will be discussing difficulties and problems in your relationship.
I look forward to talking to you both very soon.
