My first thought was “why?”  Here is a man who has everything. Why is he banging his office staff?  Then I thought about the boss that’s having sex with his secretary. Or the salesman who is having sex with customers.  David Letterman’s indescretion is no different than many other work place affairs. Work place affairs are the most common type of infidelity.

But the questions still needs to be asked “why?”. Why is it so common that we can make jokes about the traveling salesman and the farmer’s daughter.  Is that just the way things are and men just cheat on their wives?

NO! People cheat because of particular situations being in place.  If a couple is aware of what causes affairs then they can take steps to affair proof their marriage.  The article in Hitched shares about the psychology of infidelity. Starting with the understanding of love, you can learn how to affair proof your relationship. Go to hitched mag.com and read Brett Williams‘ article about infidelity.

What do couples fight about?  I read an article on the internet that ranked what couples argue about from most to least frequent.  Before you read on, think about the question yourself.  What are you fighting about?  Brainstorm all the topics you have talked about in the last month.  “I was frustrated that Jim forgot to pick up the kids.” “Sally, left the house a mess.”  Take a piece of paper and write it all down. Throw the words on the page anywhereyou want, with no concern for organization, just list as many conflicts as you can think of.  After you have remembered a dozen or so, then go back and look for themes.  How many had to do with the kids, time, or not getting your needs met?

What the surveys showed as the top six were:

Money

Sex

Work

Children

Chores

In-laws

Is this true for your list.  I came up with a few that I did not see on the list but I know are true for people: feeling unloved, lack of communication, or no time together.

The issue I have with this article however is not that it is incomplete, but that it is inaccurate.  These are not the core of our conflicts.  These are the core of our unhappiness, but not our arguments. Couples are really fighting about one thing: who’s right and who’s wrong.

We get unhappy, and that’s normal enough, the problem comes in trying to express our unhappiness. In a healthy relationship, talking about the things that make us sad or hurt creates intimacy and strengthens our love.  It creates understanding and compassion, as well as change.

But in a conflict (aka a fight), we do not experience that bonding because our words create division and discord.  It is not the topics that are bringing on these problems, but our delivery, our right fights.  This is when couples need help talking.

The problem is not the topic, but the technique.  You can divorce someone and maybe avoid dealing with that topic, but your communication technique will follow you and create problems in your next relationship. The issues are different from relationship to relationship, but the right fight is always at the core of any conflict until couples get help talking. To read more pick up a copy of You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married.

Make time to talk today with some you are in conflict with, an we will give you the structure and skills you need to talk it through.