Dear Mr. Marriage,

Well i dont kno if i really want to be with my father of my child because i dont know if he want to be with me i feel like he a lier about every thing and that  he dont see  in his furture as being his lady  so what should i do about this situation?

Nakila

Dear Nakila,

So let me see if I understand your plan. You are going to reject him before he get’s a change to reject you.  Is that it?

Nakila, have you ever felt insecure or full of self doubt?  Have you ever felt unloved or unlovable?  My guess would be you have.  Well, in those times have you ever noticed that you tend to think negatively? You know you start doubting if the people in you life really care about you.  Then later when you are feeling better could you see how that was just your negative feelings talking?

This is one of those times. Because you feel like he does not want you, you are going to kick him out of your life. I don’t hear you talking about what you are feeling, or about any thoughts for your child.  You sound like you are focused on no being rejected.  Out of that fear of rejection you are going to reject him.

I am moving out of state and when I shared the news with one of my clients she went home and canceled all her future appointments.  Then she started writing me about how alone and abandoned she feels.  It’s true I am leaving but that’s a ways off.  Instead of my client giving herself the time she needed to deal with her feelings she went into self protection mode and abandoned me before I could abandon her.

Our emotions do one of two things, our feelings either protects us or it connects us.  When you are feeling hurt your emotions tell you to withdraw or push away and create distance.  That works well with strangers.  But when it comes to people we love that distance we create separates us from those we love.

I don’t know if this person is going to be a good husband or father, but you have to change your pattern and instead of pushing people you love away when you get hurt, you much learn to open up and become more vulnerable.  Being hurt by people we love requires a different response, it requires more openness and communication.

Get on the phone with one of our support staff and lets get the two of you to start talking.

Brett  “Mr. Marriage”

Hi Mr Marriage,

I am so very hurt, confused and I feel abandoned. My husband is not giving me 100% of himself anymore! Everything is nonchalant and uncaring with regards to his response to me. I can only tell him how I feel and he says everything is about me. Everything is not about me but I’m trying to communicate whereas he refuses to. I don’t feel loved and he’s even told me that he doesn’t love me the same. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know what to do with him saying he doesn’t want men to treat our daughter’s how he treat’s me, however there is no change. He says he hears everything I say. I can’t deal with it anymore! I feel like I’m a wife on paper instead of how he used to love me. He’s refusing to get counseling and I’m trying to not let my heart become hard for him. I feel divorce is eminent. I have fought for 14 1/2 years to see it go down the drain. And I’m starting to feel like divorce would be better than to continue suffering like this. Help me, please…if you can.  Lovelessness

Dear Lovelessness,

Fourteen and one half years of marriage and it’s all going to end in a divorce. My heart is broken for you. I can feel your despair. It sounds like you have tried everything you know and nothing has worked. Even worse it sounds like you still believe in the marriage and believe it could work, but if feels like your husband does not want to do anything to create change, like going to counseling. It does feel you are the only one trying. And although you want your marriage, you are running out steam and can’t do it all yourself.

I do believe there is hope. You are ready to change and want to change, and that’s where the hope is. Because he does not want to change it feels like you are trapped. The good news is, you can create change without him. Changes that will make you happy, change that will make you strong, change that will restore your heart to the happiness that was once there.

I wish I could give you all the answers in an e-mail, but that’s not how it works. What I can do is use this e-mail to give you hope because there is hope. You only know what you know. And I hear you have tried everything you know. Talking with me I will show you what you don’t know, and teach you to restore your relationship even without him.

People are capable of great love. There is no limit to our ability to love. We can love a building like a house, or an inanimate object like a car. We can love people with extreme mental and emotional problems. So your heart can learn to love him again (even when he is a jerk).

Does he deserve your love? No!!!! But I am not suggesting you love because he doing all he should. I want you to love because being loving will make you happy. I want you to fill your heart with love because that’s what gives you meaning and joy.

I heard you say you feel you give 100% and without his response you feel defeated. I had a roommate in college who was in a coma for 3 months  after an accident.  He did not respond to anyone, but I came everyday to see him, and I brought him all my love.   It did not matter that I did not get a response back.  I just keep loving.  You are not really loving because your attention has strings attached. Your love is more like an exchange.  Where you give but don’t get paid though his attention, so you feel cheated.  Make your attention free.  And you will feel the joy of loving again.  Have no expectations other than he is going to be himself.

Again you may ask your elf “why should I love unconditionally?”  Because it make you happy.  Love is unlike any other emotion in that love feels great if you are receiving it or if you are giving it. When I sit here now and take a breath or two and send my love to my children I feel warm and full of joy. The reason you don’t feel good is in part because he is not giving you love, but the other half of that is because you are not sending him love. So fill your heart at least half way with your love, and you will have twice the love you have now.

And once you feel your love return, once you feel good about yourself, once you are strong and confident, if he does not come along, then you will have the resources you need to leave, if that’s what you still want.

I look forward to working with you, in person or over the phone. Together we will get you again to be  full of love. Only after you are in a positive place, we will look at what you need to do with the marriage.

Go to my site HelpTalking.com and set an appointment today.

We will take soon,

Mr. Marriage

“Of course I am going to call you. Why are you asking me again?” I admit this was all said with a tone that conveyed “You are STUPID.”

Yesterday I bit Lynda’s head off because she asked if I would let her know what I found out from the airlines regarding our vacation plans next week.

I guess I got reactive because I felt she was checking on my like a child.

Luckily for both of us Lynda did not react to my upset and she gave me a few hours calm down. At that point I apologized for my outburst.

Much of the help out there for the holidays focuses on dealing with the “holiday blues”.  However there is another problem created by the stress of the season which I call “holiday conflict”.  It is this time of year that my marriage counseling practice takes off.  Couples have more fights in December than any time of year.  In fact January typically has the highest number of divorce filings than any other month.

To understanding why tempers flair during this time of year you have to understand stress.  All of our reactions and arguments come from the added stress this time of years brings.  Stress is a demand placed on us that pushes us to our limits.  If I put tons of weight on a structure you can say you are stressing that building, because stress, pressure, or demands are all used interchangeably.

Here’s the interesting part, it does not matter if that stress is positive or negative, if it is something good or something bad.  Getting married can produce as much stress as getting fired.

Armed with this new understanding, it should become obvious why Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas are all filled with stress.  Because the added demands created by these celebrations push people to their limits.  Gifts, meals, visiting relatives, and extra cleaning all produce added pressure.

Tension, frustration, irritation, and a general lack of patience are all common reactions to stress. Without an emotional cushion, our tolerance level drops and before we know it we are snapping at each other over trivial issues.  Our partner is unfortunately just as stressed as we are and their reaction is to snap back, which sets off conflict.

What can be done? Lynda did the right thing.  She acknowledged what I said and did not react to my reaction.  Stay out of each other’s emotional upset.  A technique called monologing.

There are 7 essential communication skills taught at Help Talking, from loving to problem solving, but the one most relevant to the season is learning how to stay out of each other’s stress.  The key idea here is that there can only be one crazy person in the relationship at a time. By only having one person venting their stress at a time it prevents a relationship from feeding off negativity and becoming explosive.  When your partner is stressed and you remain calm, it gives them a chance to dissipate their energy and feel better.  Likewise, when you are venting and your intimate can remain a neutral sounding board, it will give you a safe place to discharge.

One simple technique for creating a constructive monologue is find an object like a tissue box or a pillow and allow that to signify who is talking and who is listening.  Hold on to the pillow as long as you need in order to say everything that needs to be shared.  The other person can and should make comments, but all the remarks should be focused on supporting what the person with the pillow is saying.  If the person with the pillow is repeating themselves, it is because he/she does not feel heard, and the listener (the one without the pillow) will need to redouble their efforts to let the speaker know he/she is being heard and understood.

This maybe one of those situations where it is easier said than done.  Learning to monologue can take some practice and know how.   A relationship coach or a marriage counselor can really assist by stopping  the reactivity and defensiveness and keep the monologue focused and productive. Before your next blow out, make an appointment for relationship coaching.  We can help you talk through your stress and conflict and resolve issues so that you can have a joyous celebration and a happy relationship.   Our relationship coaches can help you learn to monologue and that valuable gift will be a gift that gives all year long!

From: Kris
Subject: He Doesn’t Understand

I am currently a stay at home mom even though my husband doesn’t support it but at the same time he doesn’t want to pay far daycare. His goals as far as a budget and saving are unrealistic. He believes that since he is 15 years older then me that he is the only one that can know anything about life because I’m only 20.When I do share my opinion or ideas he just says I haven’t experienced life enough to know. How do I get him to listen to me and compromise without a huge argument?

Kris,

You are just too young to understand…just kidding.

Seriously, one of my favorite studies in all the world was done by asking people getting divorced: “Why did you get married and why are you getting divorced?” The answer is always the same for each question.  What that means is that what people are attracted to at first then becomes something we hate and resent when we get married.

Kris,  I am going to guess that your husband has always had a strong personality with strong opinions.  He has always been 15 years older than you.  That’s who he is, and now you want to try and change him?  I don’t think it’s going to happen.

But that’s ok because he is not the key to your happiness; you are. He is not the authority on whether your life is justified or worth living; you are.

Quit trying to prove yourself.  So what? He disagrees. So what? He doesn’t believe that you have anything to say.  The important question is do you?  If you are confident and feeling good about your ideas and opinions, then that should be enough for you.  Stop trying to get your FATHER’S approval. The more you see him as a dad, the more you will feel like a child.  See him as stubborn, or bull headed, or even uninformed and old fashion. But even more importantly see yourself as valued and valuable.

Look around and notice the more insecure someone is, the more affected they are by others. A truly confident person does not care what others think or say. STOP trying to change him, and START believing in yourself.

Let me leave you with an exercise to help you make the mental shift.  I don’t want to point out the problem without give you the solution.

I want you to imagine it is somewhere in the future and you have been married for a long time, in fact imagine you have a teen age son.  Like most teen agers you son thinks he knows everything, and everything you say is the stupidest thing in the world.  Picture how you will respond.  Remember to be the healthy balance parent you want to become.  Do you argue with a teenager?  Do you want to get into power struggles with this boy who now towers over you?  No. You simply smile and say “whatever” and continue doing what your doing.

You don’t stop loving your kids once they become teenagers. Parents just stop taking what the hormonal teen with a grain of salt, and absolutely never personalizing any of it.

See your husband as the child and yourself as the adult 15 years older.  The stronger you can see and believe your parenting him when he get’s into those attitudes the more he will come to you to try and prove his point or make his arguments.

Let’s make an appointment and talk more real soon.

Take care,

Dear Mr. Marriage, I love my relationship but I sometimes get afraid it will not last. How do you predict the success or failure of a relationship?

Worried (no name left)

Dear Worried,

The best way to predict your future is by creating your future.  I believe we all have a destiny we are here to fulfill, but there is also the element of free will.  The choices we make, positive or negative, affect that destiny.

Our body is a good example.  It is built to last for 80 to 100 years.  The choices along the way effect how that destiny plays out.

People all over the world have destinies that they are not fulfilled because of their fears or they do not realize who they are.  It takes courage and devotion to be who you are meant to be.  For you to have the relationship you want, you need to be all you can be.  The question is…are you willing to become who you were meant to be?

The formula for a healthy relationship is very simple.  Just as your body needs daily nourishment, so does your relationship. Feed it love, and love is simply attention.  There are three types of attention, physical, visual, and auditory.  Hence make sure everyday you touch 8-10 times.  Spend 10 minutes talking about each other about your lives.  Avoid using this time to talk about kids and schedules.  Finally, show your love.  Smile at each other, look at each other as you talk, leave notes, or pick up your dirty socks off the floor. These little things are great gestures of affection and love.

Feed your relationship everyday and the relationship will last till death do you part.

Brett R. Williams,
Mr. Marriage

Dear Mr. Marriage,  I am feelings hopeless about my relationship, my job, and my finances. Please help, Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,
Without more details about what’s going on with you relationship, job, or finances, it could be hard to answer your question. But the truth is I love your question, it’s perfect. You could have just signed your name and I would have know everything in your life is falling apart. You see your problems are all starting with the fact that you identify yourself as “Hopeless”.

Remember Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh? He was not the picture of resourcefulness and power. He believed nothing worked out for him and because he believed it that is exactly what happened. Now from Eeyore’s point of view he believed that events created his mood. And I am sure that Eeyore had lots of evidence that he could point to that caused him to feel hopeless. As an outsider looking in on Eeyore’s life you have to wonder which came first. Did the negative events create his negative mood? Or did his negative mood have a negative affect on the events?

Because good things seem to happen to people with good attitudes, and bad things seem to happen to people who have negative attitudes, you have to believe that attitude affects our lives.

Alright Hopeless. Here’s your assignment. For the next week you are going to call yourself by a different name: Powerful, Resourceful, or Lucky.

Don’t do anything to change anything in your life, relationship, job, or finances. What you will do is think of yourself identified as a new person. “I am powerful. I have power running all though my body. My thoughts are powerful. My voice is powerful. My mind is the most powerful of all. I have the power to walk, talk, think, and live. I have the power to think, and to create change. I have the power to make myself into anything I want.” Fill your days and nights with thoughts of how powerful you are. If that’s the new name you want to take on.

Don’t worry if it is a name that fits or feels right, pick any new name that represents how you want to live your life.

For me I have three words. “I am Loving, healing, and blessed.” I run those three words through my head as I run, when I am driving, any time I have free moment. It is what I want to give to the world, and what I want to get from the world. So it is how I identify myself.

Give me a call at the end of the week and let’s hear the difference a new identity can bring.

Dear Mark,

You are the best. I so enjoy reading your responses. They are thought out and articulate. Thank you.

[I am responding to Mark's comments about the video clip "Why Men Complain. You can see his remarks below]

In the Hindu tradition Truth is not seen as it is here in the west. Truth is a state of mind, or a way of living. For example lets say someone is a recluse and I run into their home screaming “fire” and that person runs out of their home and comes into contact with other people and nature. Assuming that contact brings them into a place of balance and love, then it is not relevant if there was a fire or not. Truth would be created by bringing that other person into a state of balance. So if Krishna was a real person of if he was who he said he was is not relevant to a Hindu. What is important is the stories ability to bring you into a place of balance and love.

Westerners don’t like this kind of thinking because people could be deceived and there is some truth to that. But because of their fears sometime people may miss seeing the greater meaning or allowing themselves to be moved to a place of love.

I am not trying to create a 5 minute video that answers all the worlds problems and spells out the TRUTH for every relationship and every person on the planet. I am always trying to create a spirit of love and connection. My prayer is that people look at that clip and laugh. My prayer is that for a moment they relax and enjoy the thought that maybe their spouse does love them. My prayer is that it brings the viewer into a state of light and love. I don’t care if it is TRUE or not. The truth I seek is always LOVE.

I love you man, thanks for your feedback.

Brett

Brett,

Thanks for your response.

I viewed the youtube video [Why Men Complain] again. I was looking for signs of the old Brett. What occured to me on the second viewing is that maybe there is a cultural and gender bias in your message. I was thinking of the Hebrew (I think) word kvetch. A constant complainer/nagger.

The Jewish (actually typical of all Middle Eastern cultures in my experience and most New Yorkers even if they aren’t Jewish) mother and father both are complainers about everything. Especially in bargaining. Bargaining in business, bargining with the neighbors and with themselves.

So, one could conclude from the video that women should think of a man’s complaints about time/effort spent on their spouse as a sign of love when that time and effort is actually spent as a bargaining chip.

What about the other way around? Women complain about what they put up with/do for their husbands. Is that also a sign of love?

By the way, I always do the cooking and the dishes. The first time I was in the apartment of my wife to be I did her dishes. (RIGHT WHEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR!). I don’t complain, I just do it how I want it.

“The Practice of Love” is such a wonderful book. It is rich with wisdom and practical things to think about inluding of course “You Can Be Right of Your Can Be Married”.

So, respectfully, I disagree with your premise in the youtube video that the way a man shows love is by complaining about the supposed sacrifices they make for their significant other/spouse.

Sadly, perhaps your newer message is a reflection of the times. That is, you are trying to help people that have lost their dreams.

Mark G.

Hi Brett,

My name is Kyle. I’m 21 years of age married to a wonderful woman, We have been together for roughly 2 1/2 years and counting. When we first got together it’s was amazing, we never fought about anything. About a year later she had our daughter Emalie. After the birth things started to go downhill and fast. Now we fight about everything under the sun. I have never been able to express my love to anyone frankly because my father was the same way. Don’t get me wrong me mom and dad are doing great. It’s me that i’m worried about, She says I don’t show her love. I never cuddle with her and she always tells me stuff and snaps off at me with it slips my mind. (which I do have to work on that) That’s my problem I don’t know how to change. I try and everything goes good for about 2 – 3 days then it goes south again. I’m just confused.
Please whatever advice you have will do.
Thank You
Kyle M.

Hi Kyle,

I am so glad you wrote me. I can hear your heart is heavy with fear for your relationship and for your future family. I am guessing you are feeling discouraged that you’re never going to be able to meet your wife’s needs and make her happy. And the whole thing feels kind of hopeless because you did not see that kind of affection growing up and therefore you don’t know what to do to change. Am I hearing it right?
Here’s the deal when it comes to love: love is attention. When you are paying attention to her she feels like you care. When you let things slip your mind, it feels to her like you are not paying attention and therefore don’t care. Pretty simple so far.
Where it gets a little complicated is in the fact that not everyone receives attention in the same way. You need to pay attention to what kind of attention she like: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (physical). There is a relationship quiz on my website, HelpTalking.com, that will help you figure it out. My guess would be she is auditory because of her upset with you forgetting what she said.

Next you need to learn some empathy skills, a way of showing understanding to what she is expressing. When you are able to show empathy/understanding she will feel like your paying attention and that you love her. The first part of my message I tried to show understanding to your fears and concerns. You need to practice the same skill.

The quickest way will be through modeling (hearing someone else do it the correct way). What I would suggest is that you two make an appointment for phone relationship coaching. With me, you, and her on the phone I can help you walk through any conflict. If we have done our job right, she will leave that call feeling connected, even though you will be discussing difficulties and problems in your relationship.
I look forward to talking to you both very soon.

My wife says that she has never been sexually attracted to me. She doesn’t dislike sex with me but just doesn’t have that passion and lacks sexual affection. Her psychiatrist told her that she either has that or doesn’t.  It wasn’t something that could be obtained. It is starting to put a lot of stress on our marriage. Do you agree with her psychiatrist’s opinion?

Passionless Sex thanks for you question,

If I am hearing your question correctly, this is not a sex question as much as a passion issue.  It sounds like the problem is not the lack of sex or even the frequency of sex, but the fact that sex does not have a lot of excitement.  That’s all saying to me that what is missing is an emotional connectionto your sexual affection.  There are no strong feelings with sex.  It is simply a physical act. My guess would be your entire relationship is passionless, but you only notice it when it comes to sex because sex is what’s important to you. If what we are talking about is an emotional problem, then yes emotions can be changed!

Passion is the fruit of a happy and loving relationship. So let me use the example of an apple tree to help you understand where you need to focus.  When a tree is healthy and well cared for it produces a bountiful crop.  I have had fruit trees in my own backyard that have produced so much fruit I could not give it all away.  So it is with love and passion.

But if the tree is unhealthy, diseased, or neglected, then the fruit will not come or the fruit is very limited.  Sex is not the issue. The quality of relationship should be your focus.  It could be that your wife does not feel romanced by you and therefore has a much more brotherly relationship with you.  If that is true she loves you, but does not want to make love with you.  That being the case, you need to seduce her.  Make her fall in love with you. Make her want you by learning how to play the game of love.

It is easy to focus on your wife as the one with the problem. The trouble with this approach is that it leaves you powerless.  See this situation as a challenge that you need to master.

Imagine that you are single, and at a bar, and see the most beautiful woman in the world.  You can have her, but this will take some work.  Your attitude, voice tone, approach, and timing will all need to be perfectly tuned into what she is needing and wanting.  And if you play your cards right, you will get lucky!

The need to invest yourself in winning a woman’s affection does not change just because you got married. My guess would be that there is no passion in your marriage because you have not done much to create it.  Take her out on dates, write her love notes, spend ten minutes everyday looking at her as you ask her about her day.

If you don’t want to do any of this because you believe the problem is hers, or that you shouldn’t have to work to have sex with your wife, then I can tell you with 100% confidence this problem will never change. I hope and pray this latter attitude is not yours.

Spend the next few weeks, months, and years learning about seducing your wife.  Learn how to bring her love, how to meet her needs in ways you have never done before.

If you are serious about learning how to love, you can pick up a copy of my book You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married- love based solutions for couples here on the site.

Good luck! And I hope you get lucky,

Help!  We are not having enough sex.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and currently live together. He has no problem with non-sexual affection: we are constantly cuddling, he kisses me frequently, we hold hands all the time, he holds me at night, and even writes the occassional love note.

The only problem in our relationship is the lack of sex. We only have sex if I initiate it and since I have stopped initiating it out of frustration we only have sex 2-3 times per month. I have talked to him about it a few times and he states that due to our limited time together (I work days, he usually works

nights) that he would rather spend our time together enjoying each other’s company than having sex. Even though I haven’t gained any weight since we first got together, I worry that he’s not attracted to me and is with me out of convenience (I make quite a bit more than him, but I do make him pay for his share of rent and the bills). I don’t think he’s gay, but I don’t know what the problem is. Everything else is so great between us, so I don’t want to leave him, but this lack of sex is really hurting my self-esteem. Please help!

Thanks for writing,

As I read through your message I hear the pain in your story.  Your note communicates confusion and concern about the future. But most of all there is a disconnection between you and your boyfriend that creates an even greater disconnection because he does not seem to see it or understand it.  What concerns me even more however, is how it is affecting you personally.  I hear it clearly in your last line. “…this lack of sex is really hurting my self-esteem.”  From this line I can only imagine the lack of sex is making you feel unattractive.

I am so glad you wrote to me because all of this feels like a lot to carry.  Let me start off with a question. Please think about this question carefully and answer it honestly.  Are you willing to change, or are you only looking for you boyfriend to change?

If you are reading on, I am assuming you are open to looking at yourself and starting with what you can control. That’s great. Here is the problem: emotions exist to propagate themselves.  Fear creates more fear, not peace or love, and self-doubt creates more self-doubt.  Look back in your life. Have you ever felt insecure or undesirable before? Have you ever had doubts that you were wanted?  Most likely these are old feelings from the past.

On average couples have sex 4 times a month.  You two are slightly below that average, but within a normal range.  It is true that you are making that happen by initiating it, but this is also pretty normal.  Most couples do not want sex at the same frequency.  One person usually wants it more than the other.

Problems arise when we start believing it is not normal and we start asking ourselves what is wrong. Then you start picking apart the relationship, and in turn, attacking yourself. That is what is happening here.

One quick fix is to put it into a different context and see how fast your feelings change.  Can you imagine how you would react if your boyfriend had a genetic heart problem and one of the medications he has to take will decrease his sex drive?  What if the medication made him not want sex at all?  Now imagine there is a 90% chance that this same medication will save his life.

How would you respond? My brain quickly jumps to looking at the positives.  I imagine thinking that it was great that this medication would keep him alive and the decrease in sex drive is a small price to pay.  I imagine myself saying, “It could be worse. What if the medication took all of the sex drive? I am glad there is a medication that could save his life.” And again I am feeling better and now seeing the positive.  At this point, positive feelings build more positive feelings.

One last suggestion; make an appointment and lets all talk.  I would think it is important for you to voice your concerns in a way that he can hear it and understand your deeper feelings. Because he does not seem to feel bad about the relationship, I would guess he does not understand your feelings.  And it would also benefit you to hear his point of view, and confirm what I am saying: that it’s not you.  Let’s sit down and all talk.

Take care,