Every couple I have ever seen in marriage counseling have had one common theme: feelings of being unloved. Typically it’s the woman dragging the man into therapy because she feels unloved. The man is often an unhappy participant because he believes he loves her and the very fact he was willing to come was a clear and obvious example. But like so many times before, the guy is feeling like he’s doing what she wants yet to his perspective she is never satisfied. The wife, on the other hand, is frustrated because she can often get him to go along with what she’s asking but his unhappy participation drains out all the joy.  Why does he need to complain and moan about everything he is asked to do?  This scenario of asking, getting and ultimately being disappointed by the negative mood in which it was given, plays out in coming to marital therapy and in all of their disagreements.
The message of hope is that there is love. The positive part of all this drama is that there is a connection in their relationship. The missing element is not love, but the understanding of how love is being expressed. In this article and short video clip I want to give gals a glimpse into the mind of their man and reveal the love that is truly there.
Did you ever see Clint Eastwood’s film, Gran Torino? There’s a great scene where Clint and a young man go to the barber. The barber then greets Clint with insults which are quickly returned by Clint. This is a perfect example of male love. They are not nice, touchy feely, or soft and kind with their words. They are sharp, caustic, and hurtful. Men equate pain with love. The soft tender displays of affection are what it takes for men to get sex, but being affectionate is not an impulse that a man craves to express.
When a guy is doing something he enjoys, it is typically not done for anyone else but himself. If he likes to mow the lawn then he is doing it for the pleasure of being outside. But if he hates to dust, and he does it because you need it, then he is doing that out of love. Love involves some kind of pain or sacrifice.
If you’re confused…it only gets worse. Because of this connection between love and sacrifice for a man to truly show his love, he must then show his pain. To be cheerful about dusting would be sending off the message that he is doing it for himself. In order to express his love, he needs to complain about his sacrifice.  Men complain because they want you to know how much they love you and what a huge sacrifice they are making.  He will roll his eyes, sigh, and grumble. These are all indications that he’s miserable.
Pretty crazy, huh? Check out the clip and then make a comment letting me know what you think. Then next time you ask to set up an appointment for the two of you and myself for Relationship Coaching Over the Phone and he starts to complain I want you to look at him and tell him “thank you”.

At the beginning of the week I had a wonderful time watching Anthony Robbins tape his new show.  Now I can’t give any details about the show, because that would kill the surprise. Nobody wants to hear how the story ends before they even get the book started.  So I am not going to cheat you or Tony by saying anything more about the show.

However, I will share an exercise Tony did with the audience, because that will not be on the program.  It was a great experience because it took a memory of mine that had kept me double minded (conflicted and full of self doubt) all my life and the experience turned it around to become a confirmation of who I am as Mr. Marriage.

I love helping couples in conflict. The more troubled the marriage the better. I even like couples who are emotionally dead inside and feel more like roommates. Because I love seeing it all turn around and watch two people fall back in love.  I have developed an alternative to traditonal marriage counseling that will help couples feel love again.  We have had amazing success in healing broken marriages with this.  But with every turn around, with every success, the same doubt comes back, “What if I cannot help the next couple?” Tony’s exercise was such a gift because it addressed those doubts right to their core.

The exercise was an adaptation of a NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) perspective exercise where you look at a memory from your point of view, a second person’s point of view and then a third or higher point of view (God’s). I have used it with couples and called it “Easy as 1,2,3”, because it easily creates such powerful change by taking on another perspective.

I shared all the details in the video clip.  Check it out.

Always Practice Love,

Brett Williams, M.F.T.
Mr. Marriage

Dear Mark,

You are the best. I so enjoy reading your responses. They are thought out and articulate. Thank you.

[I am responding to Mark's comments about the video clip "Why Men Complain. You can see his remarks below]

In the Hindu tradition Truth is not seen as it is here in the west. Truth is a state of mind, or a way of living. For example lets say someone is a recluse and I run into their home screaming “fire” and that person runs out of their home and comes into contact with other people and nature. Assuming that contact brings them into a place of balance and love, then it is not relevant if there was a fire or not. Truth would be created by bringing that other person into a state of balance. So if Krishna was a real person of if he was who he said he was is not relevant to a Hindu. What is important is the stories ability to bring you into a place of balance and love.

Westerners don’t like this kind of thinking because people could be deceived and there is some truth to that. But because of their fears sometime people may miss seeing the greater meaning or allowing themselves to be moved to a place of love.

I am not trying to create a 5 minute video that answers all the worlds problems and spells out the TRUTH for every relationship and every person on the planet. I am always trying to create a spirit of love and connection. My prayer is that people look at that clip and laugh. My prayer is that for a moment they relax and enjoy the thought that maybe their spouse does love them. My prayer is that it brings the viewer into a state of light and love. I don’t care if it is TRUE or not. The truth I seek is always LOVE.

I love you man, thanks for your feedback.

Brett

Brett,

Thanks for your response.

I viewed the youtube video [Why Men Complain] again. I was looking for signs of the old Brett. What occured to me on the second viewing is that maybe there is a cultural and gender bias in your message. I was thinking of the Hebrew (I think) word kvetch. A constant complainer/nagger.

The Jewish (actually typical of all Middle Eastern cultures in my experience and most New Yorkers even if they aren’t Jewish) mother and father both are complainers about everything. Especially in bargaining. Bargaining in business, bargining with the neighbors and with themselves.

So, one could conclude from the video that women should think of a man’s complaints about time/effort spent on their spouse as a sign of love when that time and effort is actually spent as a bargaining chip.

What about the other way around? Women complain about what they put up with/do for their husbands. Is that also a sign of love?

By the way, I always do the cooking and the dishes. The first time I was in the apartment of my wife to be I did her dishes. (RIGHT WHEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR!). I don’t complain, I just do it how I want it.

“The Practice of Love” is such a wonderful book. It is rich with wisdom and practical things to think about inluding of course “You Can Be Right of Your Can Be Married”.

So, respectfully, I disagree with your premise in the youtube video that the way a man shows love is by complaining about the supposed sacrifices they make for their significant other/spouse.

Sadly, perhaps your newer message is a reflection of the times. That is, you are trying to help people that have lost their dreams.

Mark G.

I found this cute article on wordpress posted by Farghana

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”.

Conclusion: “Love is blind , Marriage is an eye opener!”

I would add one more…

Love is on the same team- supporting each others points

Marriage is on opposing teams- focused on our own points