Every couple I have ever seen in marriage counseling have had one common theme: feelings of being unloved. Typically it’s the woman dragging the man into therapy because she feels unloved. The man is often an unhappy participant because he believes he loves her and the very fact he was willing to come was a clear and obvious example. But like so many times before, the guy is feeling like he’s doing what she wants yet to his perspective she is never satisfied. The wife, on the other hand, is frustrated because she can often get him to go along with what she’s asking but his unhappy participation drains out all the joy.  Why does he need to complain and moan about everything he is asked to do?  This scenario of asking, getting and ultimately being disappointed by the negative mood in which it was given, plays out in coming to marital therapy and in all of their disagreements.
The message of hope is that there is love. The positive part of all this drama is that there is a connection in their relationship. The missing element is not love, but the understanding of how love is being expressed. In this article and short video clip I want to give gals a glimpse into the mind of their man and reveal the love that is truly there.
Did you ever see Clint Eastwood’s film, Gran Torino? There’s a great scene where Clint and a young man go to the barber. The barber then greets Clint with insults which are quickly returned by Clint. This is a perfect example of male love. They are not nice, touchy feely, or soft and kind with their words. They are sharp, caustic, and hurtful. Men equate pain with love. The soft tender displays of affection are what it takes for men to get sex, but being affectionate is not an impulse that a man craves to express.
When a guy is doing something he enjoys, it is typically not done for anyone else but himself. If he likes to mow the lawn then he is doing it for the pleasure of being outside. But if he hates to dust, and he does it because you need it, then he is doing that out of love. Love involves some kind of pain or sacrifice.
If you’re confused…it only gets worse. Because of this connection between love and sacrifice for a man to truly show his love, he must then show his pain. To be cheerful about dusting would be sending off the message that he is doing it for himself. In order to express his love, he needs to complain about his sacrifice.  Men complain because they want you to know how much they love you and what a huge sacrifice they are making.  He will roll his eyes, sigh, and grumble. These are all indications that he’s miserable.
Pretty crazy, huh? Check out the clip and then make a comment letting me know what you think. Then next time you ask to set up an appointment for the two of you and myself for Relationship Coaching Over the Phone and he starts to complain I want you to look at him and tell him “thank you”.

Each year Brett Williams Mr. Marriage loves to create a new topic for the MOPs and MOMs groups in the Orange County area.  This year he is speaking on Balanced love.

Most couples don’t get married thinking their relationship is troubled. Marriages get in trouble over time. This talk by Brett Williams “Mr. Marriage” helps women see that unless both people in a relationship follow God’s Law of Love, the marriage will move quickly into a troubled place.  Likewise, relationships that are strong and happy are that way because both people in the relationship are giving and getting love in a balanced fashion.  Have Brett come to your group and speak about creating balanced love and a happy, healthy relationship.

Brett R. Williams has a dynamic speaking style that actively engages the audience.  If you are looking for an entertaining and informative presentation on marriage relationships, then contact Help Talking about having Brett speak to your group.

Get the full 45 minute talk on Balanced Love for only $5.

Here is a short video clip filmed at the Once Upon A Family convention in Texas where Brett explores the question of what is love.  Check it out and you will be amazed at how simple the idea is, and also how useful it can be to apply to your life today.

At the beginning of the week I had a wonderful time watching Anthony Robbins tape his new show.  Now I can’t give any details about the show, because that would kill the surprise. Nobody wants to hear how the story ends before they even get the book started.  So I am not going to cheat you or Tony by saying anything more about the show.

However, I will share an exercise Tony did with the audience, because that will not be on the program.  It was a great experience because it took a memory of mine that had kept me double minded (conflicted and full of self doubt) all my life and the experience turned it around to become a confirmation of who I am as Mr. Marriage.

I love helping couples in conflict. The more troubled the marriage the better. I even like couples who are emotionally dead inside and feel more like roommates. Because I love seeing it all turn around and watch two people fall back in love.  I have developed an alternative to traditonal marriage counseling that will help couples feel love again.  We have had amazing success in healing broken marriages with this.  But with every turn around, with every success, the same doubt comes back, “What if I cannot help the next couple?” Tony’s exercise was such a gift because it addressed those doubts right to their core.

The exercise was an adaptation of a NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) perspective exercise where you look at a memory from your point of view, a second person’s point of view and then a third or higher point of view (God’s). I have used it with couples and called it “Easy as 1,2,3”, because it easily creates such powerful change by taking on another perspective.

I shared all the details in the video clip.  Check it out.

Always Practice Love,

Brett Williams, M.F.T.
Mr. Marriage

What do couples fight about?  I read an article on the internet that ranked what couples argue about from most to least frequent.  Before you read on, think about the question yourself.  What are you fighting about?  Brainstorm all the topics you have talked about in the last month.  “I was frustrated that Jim forgot to pick up the kids.” “Sally, left the house a mess.”  Take a piece of paper and write it all down. Throw the words on the page anywhereyou want, with no concern for organization, just list as many conflicts as you can think of.  After you have remembered a dozen or so, then go back and look for themes.  How many had to do with the kids, time, or not getting your needs met?

What the surveys showed as the top six were:

Money

Sex

Work

Children

Chores

In-laws

Is this true for your list.  I came up with a few that I did not see on the list but I know are true for people: feeling unloved, lack of communication, or no time together.

The issue I have with this article however is not that it is incomplete, but that it is inaccurate.  These are not the core of our conflicts.  These are the core of our unhappiness, but not our arguments. Couples are really fighting about one thing: who’s right and who’s wrong.

We get unhappy, and that’s normal enough, the problem comes in trying to express our unhappiness. In a healthy relationship, talking about the things that make us sad or hurt creates intimacy and strengthens our love.  It creates understanding and compassion, as well as change.

But in a conflict (aka a fight), we do not experience that bonding because our words create division and discord.  It is not the topics that are bringing on these problems, but our delivery, our right fights.  This is when couples need help talking.

The problem is not the topic, but the technique.  You can divorce someone and maybe avoid dealing with that topic, but your communication technique will follow you and create problems in your next relationship. The issues are different from relationship to relationship, but the right fight is always at the core of any conflict until couples get help talking. To read more pick up a copy of You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married.

Make time to talk today with some you are in conflict with, an we will give you the structure and skills you need to talk it through.

Wesley my 17 year old son is finally showing interest in driving. It’s been something Lynda and I have never pushed. We figure the longer he puts off driving the better it will be on every level.  But now all of his friends are driving he wants to get his license.

Well, we all know before he get his license he have to do a lot of preparation, there are lots of skills and laws he will have to learn first.  It could be another good three to six months before he will actually become licensed to drive on his own.

The same idea is true for our communication.  To stop fighting and start talking you will need to do some preparation, and learn some new relationship skills. New ways of thinking and talking to each other need to be mastered before you can jump into an emotionally charged conversation. Learning conflict resolution will not take you 6 months, but you will need to invest some time prior to any intense conversation to figure out what’s wrong and not talk always talk about who’s wrong.

The exercise in this article is called “So what?” and this free communication tip will help provide the clarity you need prior to having a discussion.  So if you are getting ready for a phone coaching session with your spouse and our coaches at Help Talking, or you want to talk with your partner alone, you will need to get clear on what to say.  The exercise, so what will help you do that, by clarifying the difference between what’s wrong and who’s wrong. You can learn more about avoiding the blame game by watching the clip or reading You Can Right or You Can Be Married.

Here’s how this relationship exercise works.  Take out a piece of paper and at the top write out what the conflict is all about.  Keep the relationship problem to just one line or a few words.  In the example from the free video clip I used a couple I was coaching in New York.  The wife was upset because her husband had gotten home 15 minutes late.  So at the top of the page I put “came home late”.

Then below the header I wrote out why that behavior was problematic.  In our example I put, “It made us wait”.  Then next to that line, I want you to write the words, “So what?.”  Spend a moment thinking why the other person’s behavior upset you.

Again using our example, the response to “So what?” was that being late was rude. So we wrote rude on the next line below “it made us wait”.  Now next to “rude” I want to again write the phrase “so what?.” This again gets you to think about why your partner’s poor behavior was upsetting.

Continue this process of writing down how the other person’s bad behavior is causing you to feel bad and allow yourself to go deeper with each line.  In our process it came out that the husband’s rude tardiness brought up feelings of being unimportant, which were accompanied by even deeper feelings of being unloved.

Once my couple in New York, were able to get to the root issue of the conflict, the conversation changed from how rude he was for being 15 minutes late, to how she felt unloved when he came home late. This was just one of the actions he took that made her feel unloved. Those were two very different conversations with two very different outcomes.

As you go through this process yourself I am confident that you will find the shift from who’s wrong to more about what’s wrong will make all the difference in the world.  If you get stuck or need any additional assistance please get on the phone with one of our coaches and we will walk you through the process in one simple call.

Take care,

Dear Mr. Marriage,

I am from India. I met a woman when I was 19 and kept in contact with her. As a matter of affection, I called her as elder sister and introduced her to my parents as sister. Even she tied rakhi to me once. But then slowly we kept meeting with my parents knowing about this. This meeting was possible because she is divorced and has a child from her previous marriage (who is now 8 years old). She is 11 years senior to me (I am 24 now). I married her without my parents knowing about this. Now I have told my parents about our relationship and they say that you have spoiled the dharma and should divorce her in order to come to right path. All three of us (me, my son and wife) are emotionally attached. But parents are saying that break this relationship as society will course them and their reputation will be destroyed if they tell this to anyone.
My wife is ready for any step from my side which means that currently I have all doors open. Will second divorce to her be fair? Will parents ever accept this if I stay with my marriage? Though these should have been thought before marrying. But still….Please advise on my future course of action.

Whatever happens happens

My dear friend,
Let me see if I can answer your question with my limited and humble understanding of your culture and traditions. Your story reminds me of the dilemma that faced Arjuna in the battle of Kurukshetra. Arjuna was a fierce warrior and powerful commander, but this battle was against his own people, his own family, and cousins and so he was deeply disturbed at the task set out before him. He did not want to kill his own family, and yet he knew as the commander that he could not surrender. As you know Krishna’s advice regarding this dilemma formed the basis of the Bhagavad Gita and will be the basis of my advice to you.

As I understand it, Krishna told Arjuna to do what he must without fear or concern for the outcome, but instead do it as service to God. Do it with complete love, for the people he was slaying and for his love of Krishna.

My advice to you is the same. Stop all this double mindedness, and do what your heart, intuition, and God is telling you. And the pain that you will be bringing to others, bring it with all your love, with all your devotion. If you stay or go is not as important as your need to do all things in love.

I hope this helps, my heart surrounds you and all you love in love.

Brett Williams
Mr. Marriage

Brett Williams, “Mr. Marriage” is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and the author of You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married. Brett believes there is only one fight, one conflict, one issue, which couples get locked into: who’s right and who’s wrong. When you analyze any disagreement, what you find is that the topic is always the same. The variables that get a couple going are endless, from not picking up his/her socks to the frequency of sex. However, as the disagreement progresses, the topic invariably shifts to who is the good guy and/or who is the bad guy. What is interesting about these “Right Fights” is that they are not about needing to be right, but come from the feeling of being wronged, hurt, or unloved. Couples want to right the wrong they feel, and then get mired in their battles over blame. The solution is to address the feeling of being hurt or unloved, by connecting as a couple. Our wounds cause us to withdraw, and that is why communication fails. By remaining close, two people are able to discuss their differences, express their pain, and feel more intimate afterwards.

Buy You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married from us for only $12.00.   Our competitors charge $14.99.