RELATIONSHIP QUIZ DOWNLOAD

Lynda, my wife, is an educator and she is always creating new tools to use in the classroom.  One such instrument is a rubric. Lynda tells me, “It makes something that is subjective more objective.” What that means is when a teacher wants a student to understand the difference between an “A” and a “B”, he/she will create a worksheet that has all the different criteria on it.  The instructor then sometimes places number values which will clarify things.  “If the work is not readable it gets zero points, if the writing is sloppy it gets one point, and if the student uses their best penmanship then it will get two points”, would be a simple example.

Well, as she was using this internet tool to create rubrics the thought came to me about creating a rubric for couples to use to give a grade or a score to their relationship.  Marriage can be very subjective and difficult to comprehend what is needed to kept the relationship thriving.  So I started thinking about creating a relationship rubric.

Here’s how it works.  Each of you will fill out your own rubric focusing on your own behavior. If you would like you can complete a second rubric evaluating your partner’s performance.  The way you will score the sheet is by looking at the categories on the left column, and then read from left to right finding which box best describes your conduct in that area, later you can evaluate your partner.  Looking at the picture below and you will see physical affection is our first row.

If you are not very “touchy feely”, defined by only one hug or kiss a day, then you will get zero points.  Remember this entire test is based on the principle that love and attention are the same, so we are evaluating how much physical attention you bring to your partner. If you are continually making contact, seven to ten touches every day, then you would score yourself with a three.

Now once you have gone through every row, on the right hand side I want you to add up your score.  Zero points indicate you are a low performer in your relationship. One to six is a below average effort.  Scores of seven to twelve indicates an average or slightly above average effort. While, scores in the range of thirteen to eighteen is indicative of someone who is exemplary in their level of effort and participation in their relationship.

Remember to use our Relationship Tech Support if this test or any of our materials creates conflict that needs to be addressed. You can also look at You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Marriage- Love Based Solutions for couples, to get more information about love and attention.  The book outlines the need for attention in our relationship, and the consequence if attention is not provided. Hope this helps, and I will talk with you soon.

RELATIONSHIP QUIZ DOWNLOAD

Use this quiz to find out what kind of attention works the best for you. Do you like visual attention, auditory attention, or kinesthetic attention? If you are feeling lonely, unloved, hurt, or like roommates you need to figure out what kind of love you need for yourself and your partner and start to bring it.

The key to any relationship is love. The key to understanding love is attention.  Love and attention are so intimately linked we use the words interchangeably. It is impossible for me to express my love while working intently on the computer or being engrossed in a TV program.  However, if I stop and look at my partner in the eyes and for that moment bring them my full attention, I would be expressing my feelings without having to even use words.

What couples need to also understand is that different people like different kinds of attention.  To only feed our partner with the kind of attention you prefer (which is what happens) your partner’s love weaken and fade. Education tells us there are three types of learners, three ways students attend, visual, auditory, and kinesthetic (physical).  Those three sensory preferences also make up the visual, talking, and physical lovers.Some people are visual and attend to how things appear. An auditory person is acutely aware of what and how things are said. Finally, there are people who are geared toward physical contact are attuned to touch. Enclosed you will find a test which will help you and your partner determine what style of attention you each desire.

The enclosed test helps you and your partner determine what kind of attention each of you needs and wants. With this new understanding we can then begin to be more intentional in the kind of love we are expressing.  The physical lover will stop grabbing his wife’s butt, and instead show his love with a smile (if she is visual) or a thank you (if she is the talking type).

Have fun with the test and if you need more resources I recommend the book, You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married- Love Based Solution for Couples. Or the Date Night Deck which has 52 date night ideas for couple to use to strengthen their relationship.

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At the end of this article there is a self test, but first let me share a little about what this test is all about.

Relationships move through three basic dispositions; negative (conflict), neutral (roommates), and positive (honeymoon). Each of these seasons has their own characteristics ranging from closeness & love to tension & hostility. The moods that accompany these three periods are very familiar to most couples. What needs to be understood, and seldom is, are the limitations and needs of these dispositions. Download the above test and evaluate your relationship, then look below to understand what needs to be your next step.

Negative relationship

The problem here is that both parties are trapped in a defensive/blame cycle. Their explanations, justifications, and even communications only perpetuate the negativity. The frustration, hurt, and anger reflected in their tone and body language serves to stimulate the similar feelings in their partner. Therefore, when couples are in a negative space they should REFRAIN FROM COMMUNICATION. Instead couples must begin looking at themselves to deal with their own negative moods and emotions. The opposite of blame is responsibility.   Hence, the only cure for the blame game is to have even one person own their behavior.

3 Needs:

1. Stop the blame game.
2. Take personal responsibility.
3. Do not communicate.

The first half of the book You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married addresses how couples can begin to regain the self understanding needed to heal a negative relationship. Go to the products section and check out the first chapter.

Neutral relationship

Indifference is the silent killer of most relationships. Marriages don’t typically end in a fiery blaze; but instead simply fade away. The opposite of love is not anger its indifference. The conflicts in this phase are less dramatic than the negative periods, but the lack of attention and energy does just as much damage.
The need here is to rebuild a connection and restore the bonds between them. Until the two are reunited communication about intense and stressful issues will place the pair again in a negative relationship pattern.

3 Needs:

1. Understand your style of love.
2. Understand what kind of attention your partner needs.
3. Do not communicate about negatively charged issues.

Couples in a neutral relationship need to understand how each of them wants to be loved. Creating the love that will bring them together is the primary task of this season. This is achieved by understanding the simple principle that love and attention function in the same way. The second section of Brett’s book goes into deal about how this simple truth is applied in healthy marriages.

Positive relationship

The couples that are able to keep their love alive consciously give to each other on a regular basis. Daily gifts, time, and talking continually renews their relationship. With a firm foundation of love the couples are able to then share about hurts, fears, disappointments, and desires. Only when they believe that the other person has their best interests at heart can they be vulnerable. Communication happens naturally and easily when two people have trust, love, and respect. And in fact their communication will keep their connection alive as they share with each other on a regular basis.

3 Needs:

1. Giving – simple gifts of attention.
2. Talking – 20 minutes per day about non-stressful topics once a week about difficult issues.
3. Dating – daily time together, and out once per week.

The last section of You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married explains how this program of renewed love is created. Check out our on-line store and order a copy for your relationship.

If you would like to move your relationship through a negative or neutral place, and/or learn the skills needed to keep the love alive you can go to the scheduler and make an appointment for yourself and/or your partner.

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Your relationship is a living breathing entity that needs to be fed and cared for like all living things. Plants need soil, carbon dioxide, and sunlight. Humans need food, water, and oxygen. Relationships require time, thoughtfulness, touch, and talk to flourish and thrive.

What a relationship needs most is love, and according to Brett Williams love is the free gift of our attention. Knowing this it becomes easy to see why time, communication, and gifts of attention are needed for the love to stay alive.

A relationship needs to spend at lease 30 minutes every day and a larger block of time every week (date night). Your date night evaluation will assist you to see how much time and the quality of time you spend together. There are several factors that play into how well that time is spent, frequency, variety, balance, intimacy, connection, and sex. Test how you rate.

Once you are done go back to datenightplus.com and check out the Date Night Deck, the book You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married, or the weekly date night idea to better improve your time together.

Frequency: “I told you ‘I loved you’ when we got married if anything changes I will let you know.” The expression of love and affection needs to happen frequently, once a life time is not going to satisfy any relationship. Frequency looks at how often you to make your relationship a priority by seeing how often you making time to be together.

Variety: As everyone knows attention is drawn to novelty and energy. When something is new it grabs our attention, but over time and repeated exposure the newness is lost, as is its attraction. For your dates to be lively and refreshing they have to be new and different.

Balance: Therefore the first two elements to a good date night is that you go out and that you make it new and different. Balance refers to the fact that attention is evenly distributed between the two parties. Attention must be given both ways for it to feed both people in the relationship.

Intimacy: Intimacy refers to how vulnerable each person will make themselves in the relationship. This fundamentally is how we love ourselves, and bring attention to ourselves. With no significant opportunities or disclosures the relationship will remain superficial.

Connection: Love is not a mental activity it is something that a couple must engage, and contact, as well as conversation, are how that is done. Making physical contact and eye contact is how the attention is transmitted. Your level of connectedness is evaluated by the amount of touch and eye contact.

Sex: Physical intimacy is the canary in the cage which monitors the health of the relationship. Sex is the first thing to die when a couples starts to fall off course. Therefore when the couple has a healthy sexual encounter (with both people getting their needs met) this is a good indicator that the date did it’s job and connected the two of you.

Prep time: Steven Covey, author of 7 Habit for Highly Effective People, states that anticipation can be as satisfying as the event itself. Couples can double the value of their date nights by simply putting time into the planning stage. The attention you bring will connect you even before you get out the door.

Time: The general rule is that couples need to spend at least five hours together a week. In addition they need to add a half hours for every year the pair has been married. So after 21 years of marriage Lynda and I should spend 15 1/2 hours together. A five hour date night is going to be a third of our time together.

Events: If you are going to be spending time together then you need to keep things active. Some passive kinesthetic (physical) lovers as well as those auditory lovers can sit for hours, but if your partner is not the same style, you will lose them if your date does not involve activity and simulation.

Money: There are a lot of cheap dates, but there is also a relationship between our money and our level of investment. The more expensive something is the more likely it is that we will take care of it. Therefore we need to value our relationship by investing some of our resources.

Score:

Your point scale works like this:

0 to 10 date life is pretty lame

11 to 20 Average- doing more will increase you attraction.

21 to 30 Doing well.

Check out our DATE NIGHT DECK as a tool to build up your date life.

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