Every couple I have ever seen in marriage counseling have had one common theme: feelings of being unloved. Typically it’s the woman dragging the man into therapy because she feels unloved. The man is often an unhappy participant because he believes he loves her and the very fact he was willing to come was a clear and obvious example. But like so many times before, the guy is feeling like he’s doing what she wants yet to his perspective she is never satisfied. The wife, on the other hand, is frustrated because she can often get him to go along with what she’s asking but his unhappy participation drains out all the joy.  Why does he need to complain and moan about everything he is asked to do?  This scenario of asking, getting and ultimately being disappointed by the negative mood in which it was given, plays out in coming to marital therapy and in all of their disagreements.
The message of hope is that there is love. The positive part of all this drama is that there is a connection in their relationship. The missing element is not love, but the understanding of how love is being expressed. In this article and short video clip I want to give gals a glimpse into the mind of their man and reveal the love that is truly there.
Did you ever see Clint Eastwood’s film, Gran Torino? There’s a great scene where Clint and a young man go to the barber. The barber then greets Clint with insults which are quickly returned by Clint. This is a perfect example of male love. They are not nice, touchy feely, or soft and kind with their words. They are sharp, caustic, and hurtful. Men equate pain with love. The soft tender displays of affection are what it takes for men to get sex, but being affectionate is not an impulse that a man craves to express.
When a guy is doing something he enjoys, it is typically not done for anyone else but himself. If he likes to mow the lawn then he is doing it for the pleasure of being outside. But if he hates to dust, and he does it because you need it, then he is doing that out of love. Love involves some kind of pain or sacrifice.
If you’re confused…it only gets worse. Because of this connection between love and sacrifice for a man to truly show his love, he must then show his pain. To be cheerful about dusting would be sending off the message that he is doing it for himself. In order to express his love, he needs to complain about his sacrifice.  Men complain because they want you to know how much they love you and what a huge sacrifice they are making.  He will roll his eyes, sigh, and grumble. These are all indications that he’s miserable.
Pretty crazy, huh? Check out the clip and then make a comment letting me know what you think. Then next time you ask to set up an appointment for the two of you and myself for Relationship Coaching Over the Phone and he starts to complain I want you to look at him and tell him “thank you”.

Here is a short video clip filmed at the Once Upon A Family convention in Texas where Brett explores the question of what is love.  Check it out and you will be amazed at how simple the idea is, and also how useful it can be to apply to your life today.

At the beginning of the week I had a wonderful time watching Anthony Robbins tape his new show.  Now I can’t give any details about the show, because that would kill the surprise. Nobody wants to hear how the story ends before they even get the book started.  So I am not going to cheat you or Tony by saying anything more about the show.

However, I will share an exercise Tony did with the audience, because that will not be on the program.  It was a great experience because it took a memory of mine that had kept me double minded (conflicted and full of self doubt) all my life and the experience turned it around to become a confirmation of who I am as Mr. Marriage.

I love helping couples in conflict. The more troubled the marriage the better. I even like couples who are emotionally dead inside and feel more like roommates. Because I love seeing it all turn around and watch two people fall back in love.  I have developed an alternative to traditonal marriage counseling that will help couples feel love again.  We have had amazing success in healing broken marriages with this.  But with every turn around, with every success, the same doubt comes back, “What if I cannot help the next couple?” Tony’s exercise was such a gift because it addressed those doubts right to their core.

The exercise was an adaptation of a NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) perspective exercise where you look at a memory from your point of view, a second person’s point of view and then a third or higher point of view (God’s). I have used it with couples and called it “Easy as 1,2,3”, because it easily creates such powerful change by taking on another perspective.

I shared all the details in the video clip.  Check it out.

Always Practice Love,

Brett Williams, M.F.T.
Mr. Marriage

My first thought was “why?”  Here is a man who has everything. Why is he banging his office staff?  Then I thought about the boss that’s having sex with his secretary. Or the salesman who is having sex with customers.  David Letterman’s indescretion is no different than many other work place affairs. Work place affairs are the most common type of infidelity.

But the questions still needs to be asked “why?”. Why is it so common that we can make jokes about the traveling salesman and the farmer’s daughter.  Is that just the way things are and men just cheat on their wives?

NO! People cheat because of particular situations being in place.  If a couple is aware of what causes affairs then they can take steps to affair proof their marriage.  The article in Hitched shares about the psychology of infidelity. Starting with the understanding of love, you can learn how to affair proof your relationship. Go to hitched mag.com and read Brett Williams‘ article about infidelity.

Wesley my 17 year old son is finally showing interest in driving. It’s been something Lynda and I have never pushed. We figure the longer he puts off driving the better it will be on every level.  But now all of his friends are driving he wants to get his license.

Well, we all know before he get his license he have to do a lot of preparation, there are lots of skills and laws he will have to learn first.  It could be another good three to six months before he will actually become licensed to drive on his own.

The same idea is true for our communication.  To stop fighting and start talking you will need to do some preparation, and learn some new relationship skills. New ways of thinking and talking to each other need to be mastered before you can jump into an emotionally charged conversation. Learning conflict resolution will not take you 6 months, but you will need to invest some time prior to any intense conversation to figure out what’s wrong and not talk always talk about who’s wrong.

The exercise in this article is called “So what?” and this free communication tip will help provide the clarity you need prior to having a discussion.  So if you are getting ready for a phone coaching session with your spouse and our coaches at Help Talking, or you want to talk with your partner alone, you will need to get clear on what to say.  The exercise, so what will help you do that, by clarifying the difference between what’s wrong and who’s wrong. You can learn more about avoiding the blame game by watching the clip or reading You Can Right or You Can Be Married.

Here’s how this relationship exercise works.  Take out a piece of paper and at the top write out what the conflict is all about.  Keep the relationship problem to just one line or a few words.  In the example from the free video clip I used a couple I was coaching in New York.  The wife was upset because her husband had gotten home 15 minutes late.  So at the top of the page I put “came home late”.

Then below the header I wrote out why that behavior was problematic.  In our example I put, “It made us wait”.  Then next to that line, I want you to write the words, “So what?.”  Spend a moment thinking why the other person’s behavior upset you.

Again using our example, the response to “So what?” was that being late was rude. So we wrote rude on the next line below “it made us wait”.  Now next to “rude” I want to again write the phrase “so what?.” This again gets you to think about why your partner’s poor behavior was upsetting.

Continue this process of writing down how the other person’s bad behavior is causing you to feel bad and allow yourself to go deeper with each line.  In our process it came out that the husband’s rude tardiness brought up feelings of being unimportant, which were accompanied by even deeper feelings of being unloved.

Once my couple in New York, were able to get to the root issue of the conflict, the conversation changed from how rude he was for being 15 minutes late, to how she felt unloved when he came home late. This was just one of the actions he took that made her feel unloved. Those were two very different conversations with two very different outcomes.

As you go through this process yourself I am confident that you will find the shift from who’s wrong to more about what’s wrong will make all the difference in the world.  If you get stuck or need any additional assistance please get on the phone with one of our coaches and we will walk you through the process in one simple call.

Take care,

Dear Mr. Marriage,

I am from India. I met a woman when I was 19 and kept in contact with her. As a matter of affection, I called her as elder sister and introduced her to my parents as sister. Even she tied rakhi to me once. But then slowly we kept meeting with my parents knowing about this. This meeting was possible because she is divorced and has a child from her previous marriage (who is now 8 years old). She is 11 years senior to me (I am 24 now). I married her without my parents knowing about this. Now I have told my parents about our relationship and they say that you have spoiled the dharma and should divorce her in order to come to right path. All three of us (me, my son and wife) are emotionally attached. But parents are saying that break this relationship as society will course them and their reputation will be destroyed if they tell this to anyone.
My wife is ready for any step from my side which means that currently I have all doors open. Will second divorce to her be fair? Will parents ever accept this if I stay with my marriage? Though these should have been thought before marrying. But still….Please advise on my future course of action.

Whatever happens happens

My dear friend,
Let me see if I can answer your question with my limited and humble understanding of your culture and traditions. Your story reminds me of the dilemma that faced Arjuna in the battle of Kurukshetra. Arjuna was a fierce warrior and powerful commander, but this battle was against his own people, his own family, and cousins and so he was deeply disturbed at the task set out before him. He did not want to kill his own family, and yet he knew as the commander that he could not surrender. As you know Krishna’s advice regarding this dilemma formed the basis of the Bhagavad Gita and will be the basis of my advice to you.

As I understand it, Krishna told Arjuna to do what he must without fear or concern for the outcome, but instead do it as service to God. Do it with complete love, for the people he was slaying and for his love of Krishna.

My advice to you is the same. Stop all this double mindedness, and do what your heart, intuition, and God is telling you. And the pain that you will be bringing to others, bring it with all your love, with all your devotion. If you stay or go is not as important as your need to do all things in love.

I hope this helps, my heart surrounds you and all you love in love.

Brett Williams
Mr. Marriage

A frequent question I get asked in my private practice, and see on the internet is: can I get the love back in our relationship?  The answer is always YES!

There are no limits to our ability to love. We can renew our love and increase loving feelings for each other.  We can even increase our feelings of connection with someone who has died. People feel love for inanimate objects like cars and houses. Remember Patty Hearst?  She developed feelings of closeness and affection for the people who kidnapped her.  It was called Stockhausen syndrome.
If we can love pieces of metal with wheels, or build a bond with strangers who have taken us away from everyone and everything we love, then YES, you can fall in love with someone you once loved very deeply. Here is how I am going to help you find the love again with a simple exercise called The One Minute Miracle.  You can find it in more detailed in You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married.  Let’s start with a baseline.  I want to be able to measure your progress.  So in a journal or in your day planner, rate how close you feel as a couple from 1-10.  One means no connection, and ten equals marital bliss. After you are done with this exercise today, and again after a week of doing this exercise, check your number and note any changes.

Let’s start by laying the ground work.  First we have to understand that LOVE is the free gift of our ATTENTION. Love is not a mystery it is a function of the level of our regard. That said, the more attention you bring to this next exercise the better it will work at creating feelings of love.

Take one minute out of your day, clear away all distractions and focus on your spouse.  Spend the first 15 seconds becoming attentive and present.  Sit in a comfortable quiet place, breath, and close your eyes.

For the next 15 seconds create a visual picture of your partner.  See them in your mind’s eye in perfect detail. Think of their hair, nose, eyes, face, and body.  Give them your complete regard visually.

Once your quiet and have created a clear picture of your partner, then tell them all the things you appreciate about them.  “you’re a great mom…or wonderful provider”.  For the next 15 seconds list all the positives. For the final 15 second segment you will imagine giving them a hug and giving them a tender kiss.  Hold their hand in your mind and feel the warmth of their skin next to yours. 

As you finish, take one last breath and  say  their name as you breath in.  Then say I love you as you release the breath.  Remember actions first, feelings second. As you practice this exercise three times every day for the next week you will find your emotions growing stronger and more positive.  In fact, check within yourself after doing this exercise even once, and notice any small shifts in your feelings.  You may feel more relaxed, or feel a fondness for your partner, or more appreciation.  However you experience the change, continue to use the excercise all week.

Please add a comment below and let me know how well it’s working, or share your experience.  I look forward to hearing from you.   

Karen and Bill (not real name/photo)

Two months ago, I couldn’t get online. Lynda’s computer was working and my iPhone had perfect reception but my computer wasn’t finding our home network.  So after a few minutes of frustration I decided I didn’t want to waste anymore time and jump online with tech support. I know telephone tech support can be hit or miss but I had always gotten wonderful service from our internet provider so I knew I could get this issue resolved quickly and easily. Sure enough, within five minutes of sharing the problem and making a few system checks I discovered that my Wi-Fi switch was off.  Once I turned it back on, I was back connected to my cyber friends.  An added benefit was that now I knew what was wrong, I know what to do if it happens again.

That’s where the idea for HelpTalking.com started. As the executive director of a non-profit organization called OC Marriage, I had been implementing a phone coaching program to follow up our Marriage Education class. It was clear that going to one workshop was not going to transform people’s lives, so we were following up with weekly phone coaching sessions that enable our couples to practice their skills. After a short time of watching couples move deeply through extremely difficult topics, I realized that any couple could benefit from this kind of phone support.

For a moment remember your best phone tech support experience. Wasn’t it nice to have someone online who knew what to do? How was it hearing a friendly voice when maybe you were feeling frustrated and confused? What I appreciated was being able to talk with someone who could work with me step by step at my pace. And best of all it happened over the phone from the comfort of my own home.

Now imagine having those same resources for your relationships, with your girl friend or boy friend, husband or wife, or maybe with a family member or a friend. How cool would it be to be able to call on your own or preferably with that other person and be able to have a professional there to help the two of you deal with a problem?

Karen is a perfect example of what I am talking about. Karen came home from a trip and found her son’s suitcase lying in the entry hall opened but not unpacked.  He had gotten home a day before and her husband Bill did nothing to put things away.  She was furious that everything fell on her.  Bill was frustrated at his wife because he didn’t see clearing up their son’s stuff as either of their responsibilities.  He wanted her to let their son clean it up himself. They were trapped and unable to talk.

After 45 minutes of a being coached through their conflict, both were feeling connected and each had a better understanding of their feelings, and also their partners.  Karen had been able to express long standing feelings of resentment.  Bill expressed feeling inadequate about himself and that was why he had closed down and refused to deal with the mess. Once both felt heard and understood, they were both able to make commitments of cooperation and teamwork. It was a beautiful thing!
Are you ready to talk through your issues, feelings, and needs?  Make an appointment with our professional support staff and express yourselves in a way that brings you closer.

Psychotherapy started with the work of Dr. Sigmund Freud who began treating medical conditions by looking at how thoughts and emotions affected physical health.  To this day psychotherapy is designed to treat mental illness. What if you are not psychotic, schizophrenic, or suicidal?   The majority of clients I see are NOT mentally ill, but simply need help talking through issues and resolving conflict.

This awareness that working with families and couples is not the same as working with the mentally disturbed has started new terms like marriage counselor or marital therapist.  But these ideas are still too closely tied to “treatment”.   Other new ideas have also sprung up such as life coach and marriage education which have moved us even further from the medical model.

With the rise of the computer age, let me suggest a new more meaningful image; relationship tech support.  We have all experienced at times the need for phone technical support.  The support we receive is problem focused and brief, while hopefully picking up some new tricks along the way.  It is typically one call and the issue is handled.

At HelpTalkng.com that is our mission: to provide our clients with the kind of technical support they need to address the relationship issues  and conflict in their lives with the same brief format.    The best part is that support can now be provided over the phone. Call in alone or with your partner, and we will give the structure and unbiased ideas that only a third person provides.

The way we support couples, or anyone in need of addressing conflict, is to have both parties get on the phone with one of our professionals, and we will use the very best tools and resources available to assist the two of you to talk it through.  No blame, no analysis, no psychobabble, just the structure and skills you need to say everything that needs to be said and to hear everything that needs to be heard.

Services on Help Talking

I wanted to share with you a podcast I did with HITCHED.  They are a great social networking organization that focuses on married couples. They provide all kinds of resources for relationships, but what I wanted to talk about on their pod cast was Date Night.

Did you know a weekly date night is the number one recommendation given by Marriage Therapists?  And for good reason, most of our marriages are starving to death.  Think about it…what do relationships feed on? How do relationships keep the juice and spark?  Well, they need love!  And what does that mean?  As you will hear in this podcast, love is attention and going on dates gives couples the opportunity to start bringing some attention back to their relationship.

The other issue we address is the lack of time we all have for our relationships.  That is where the name for the show came from.  There are no excuses.  If little Jimmy needed to get to soccer three times a week, we would get him there, and be happy to do it.

What about our relationships? Relationahips need time and yet we don’t invest the time.  We are too busy taking Jimmy to Soccer.  Come on people, what’s going to happen when Jimmy grows up and he can drive himself where he needs to go?  Where is your relationship going to be then? One of the largest divorcing populations are the empty nesters.  All those couples who only had one focus, taking care of Jimmy’s needs, all of a sudden realize they don’t have anything in common. Don’t let that be you.  Get out and date. NO EXCUSES Date Night