“Of course I am going to call you. Why are you asking me again?” I admit this was all said with a tone that conveyed “You are STUPID.”

Yesterday I bit Lynda’s head off because she asked if I would let her know what I found out from the airlines regarding our vacation plans next week.

I guess I got reactive because I felt she was checking on my like a child.

Luckily for both of us Lynda did not react to my upset and she gave me a few hours calm down. At that point I apologized for my outburst.

Much of the help out there for the holidays focuses on dealing with the “holiday blues”.  However there is another problem created by the stress of the season which I call “holiday conflict”.  It is this time of year that my marriage counseling practice takes off.  Couples have more fights in December than any time of year.  In fact January typically has the highest number of divorce filings than any other month.

To understanding why tempers flair during this time of year you have to understand stress.  All of our reactions and arguments come from the added stress this time of years brings.  Stress is a demand placed on us that pushes us to our limits.  If I put tons of weight on a structure you can say you are stressing that building, because stress, pressure, or demands are all used interchangeably.

Here’s the interesting part, it does not matter if that stress is positive or negative, if it is something good or something bad.  Getting married can produce as much stress as getting fired.

Armed with this new understanding, it should become obvious why Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas are all filled with stress.  Because the added demands created by these celebrations push people to their limits.  Gifts, meals, visiting relatives, and extra cleaning all produce added pressure.

Tension, frustration, irritation, and a general lack of patience are all common reactions to stress. Without an emotional cushion, our tolerance level drops and before we know it we are snapping at each other over trivial issues.  Our partner is unfortunately just as stressed as we are and their reaction is to snap back, which sets off conflict.

What can be done? Lynda did the right thing.  She acknowledged what I said and did not react to my reaction.  Stay out of each other’s emotional upset.  A technique called monologing.

There are 7 essential communication skills taught at Help Talking, from loving to problem solving, but the one most relevant to the season is learning how to stay out of each other’s stress.  The key idea here is that there can only be one crazy person in the relationship at a time. By only having one person venting their stress at a time it prevents a relationship from feeding off negativity and becoming explosive.  When your partner is stressed and you remain calm, it gives them a chance to dissipate their energy and feel better.  Likewise, when you are venting and your intimate can remain a neutral sounding board, it will give you a safe place to discharge.

One simple technique for creating a constructive monologue is find an object like a tissue box or a pillow and allow that to signify who is talking and who is listening.  Hold on to the pillow as long as you need in order to say everything that needs to be shared.  The other person can and should make comments, but all the remarks should be focused on supporting what the person with the pillow is saying.  If the person with the pillow is repeating themselves, it is because he/she does not feel heard, and the listener (the one without the pillow) will need to redouble their efforts to let the speaker know he/she is being heard and understood.

This maybe one of those situations where it is easier said than done.  Learning to monologue can take some practice and know how.   A relationship coach or a marriage counselor can really assist by stopping  the reactivity and defensiveness and keep the monologue focused and productive. Before your next blow out, make an appointment for relationship coaching.  We can help you talk through your stress and conflict and resolve issues so that you can have a joyous celebration and a happy relationship.   Our relationship coaches can help you learn to monologue and that valuable gift will be a gift that gives all year long!

Each year Brett Williams Mr. Marriage loves to create a new topic for the MOPs and MOMs groups in the Orange County area.  This year he is speaking on Balanced love.

Most couples don’t get married thinking their relationship is troubled. Marriages get in trouble over time. This talk by Brett Williams “Mr. Marriage” helps women see that unless both people in a relationship follow God’s Law of Love, the marriage will move quickly into a troubled place.  Likewise, relationships that are strong and happy are that way because both people in the relationship are giving and getting love in a balanced fashion.  Have Brett come to your group and speak about creating balanced love and a happy, healthy relationship.

Brett R. Williams has a dynamic speaking style that actively engages the audience.  If you are looking for an entertaining and informative presentation on marriage relationships, then contact Help Talking about having Brett speak to your group.

Get the full 45 minute talk on Balanced Love for only $5.

Here is a short video clip filmed at the Once Upon A Family convention in Texas where Brett explores the question of what is love.  Check it out and you will be amazed at how simple the idea is, and also how useful it can be to apply to your life today.

What do couples fight about?  I read an article on the internet that ranked what couples argue about from most to least frequent.  Before you read on, think about the question yourself.  What are you fighting about?  Brainstorm all the topics you have talked about in the last month.  “I was frustrated that Jim forgot to pick up the kids.” “Sally, left the house a mess.”  Take a piece of paper and write it all down. Throw the words on the page anywhereyou want, with no concern for organization, just list as many conflicts as you can think of.  After you have remembered a dozen or so, then go back and look for themes.  How many had to do with the kids, time, or not getting your needs met?

What the surveys showed as the top six were:

Money

Sex

Work

Children

Chores

In-laws

Is this true for your list.  I came up with a few that I did not see on the list but I know are true for people: feeling unloved, lack of communication, or no time together.

The issue I have with this article however is not that it is incomplete, but that it is inaccurate.  These are not the core of our conflicts.  These are the core of our unhappiness, but not our arguments. Couples are really fighting about one thing: who’s right and who’s wrong.

We get unhappy, and that’s normal enough, the problem comes in trying to express our unhappiness. In a healthy relationship, talking about the things that make us sad or hurt creates intimacy and strengthens our love.  It creates understanding and compassion, as well as change.

But in a conflict (aka a fight), we do not experience that bonding because our words create division and discord.  It is not the topics that are bringing on these problems, but our delivery, our right fights.  This is when couples need help talking.

The problem is not the topic, but the technique.  You can divorce someone and maybe avoid dealing with that topic, but your communication technique will follow you and create problems in your next relationship. The issues are different from relationship to relationship, but the right fight is always at the core of any conflict until couples get help talking. To read more pick up a copy of You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married.

Make time to talk today with some you are in conflict with, an we will give you the structure and skills you need to talk it through.

Wesley my 17 year old son is finally showing interest in driving. It’s been something Lynda and I have never pushed. We figure the longer he puts off driving the better it will be on every level.  But now all of his friends are driving he wants to get his license.

Well, we all know before he get his license he have to do a lot of preparation, there are lots of skills and laws he will have to learn first.  It could be another good three to six months before he will actually become licensed to drive on his own.

The same idea is true for our communication.  To stop fighting and start talking you will need to do some preparation, and learn some new relationship skills. New ways of thinking and talking to each other need to be mastered before you can jump into an emotionally charged conversation. Learning conflict resolution will not take you 6 months, but you will need to invest some time prior to any intense conversation to figure out what’s wrong and not talk always talk about who’s wrong.

The exercise in this article is called “So what?” and this free communication tip will help provide the clarity you need prior to having a discussion.  So if you are getting ready for a phone coaching session with your spouse and our coaches at Help Talking, or you want to talk with your partner alone, you will need to get clear on what to say.  The exercise, so what will help you do that, by clarifying the difference between what’s wrong and who’s wrong. You can learn more about avoiding the blame game by watching the clip or reading You Can Right or You Can Be Married.

Here’s how this relationship exercise works.  Take out a piece of paper and at the top write out what the conflict is all about.  Keep the relationship problem to just one line or a few words.  In the example from the free video clip I used a couple I was coaching in New York.  The wife was upset because her husband had gotten home 15 minutes late.  So at the top of the page I put “came home late”.

Then below the header I wrote out why that behavior was problematic.  In our example I put, “It made us wait”.  Then next to that line, I want you to write the words, “So what?.”  Spend a moment thinking why the other person’s behavior upset you.

Again using our example, the response to “So what?” was that being late was rude. So we wrote rude on the next line below “it made us wait”.  Now next to “rude” I want to again write the phrase “so what?.” This again gets you to think about why your partner’s poor behavior was upsetting.

Continue this process of writing down how the other person’s bad behavior is causing you to feel bad and allow yourself to go deeper with each line.  In our process it came out that the husband’s rude tardiness brought up feelings of being unimportant, which were accompanied by even deeper feelings of being unloved.

Once my couple in New York, were able to get to the root issue of the conflict, the conversation changed from how rude he was for being 15 minutes late, to how she felt unloved when he came home late. This was just one of the actions he took that made her feel unloved. Those were two very different conversations with two very different outcomes.

As you go through this process yourself I am confident that you will find the shift from who’s wrong to more about what’s wrong will make all the difference in the world.  If you get stuck or need any additional assistance please get on the phone with one of our coaches and we will walk you through the process in one simple call.

Take care,