“Love Your Neighbor as Yourself”, that is the Law of Love that Jesus taught. In order to be balanced in your marriage relationship, you need two kinds of love; loving your neighbor and loving yourself. Women are traditionally good at loving their neighbor. Women are givers. They love their children, their husbands, their friends, their neighbors and their relatives. Women are constatnly giving to all the others in their lives. Men on the other hand, are great at loving themselves. It’s true! A man can be gone all week long on a business trip. He comes home Friday night. Early Saturday morning he is standing at the door with a golf bag over his shoulder. His wife will say, “Where are you going? You have been gone all week.” To which he replies, “That’s right I have been working all week, now I need time to relax.” He does not feel guilty about asking for his needs. In order for couples to have a balanced relationship and happy relationship, women need to be better at loving themselves and men need to be better at loving others.
Men are Naturally Getters
During courtship, the man pursued the woman. He was eager to do whatever he could to GET the woman. He bought her wrote poetry, gave her bouquets of flowers, called her just to say hello, listened attentively and communicated his love. The relationship was balanced because he was both giving and getting, as well as communicating clearly. So, what happens once a man gets married? He no longer needs to pursue the woman, he already has her. He turns his efforts towards other goals. He pursues his career, a new home, etc. The relationship becomes less balanced.
Women are Naturally Givers
Most women are naturally Givers. They give to their family and friends first, and give to themselves last, if at all. Women often neglect their own needs. One of the reasons for this is that women tend to feel guilty about getting their own needs met. However, in a healthy, balanced relationship both parties will get their needs met. In a balanced relationship both people will clearly communicate what they want and need.
How to Balance Needs in a Marriage Relationship
The best way to create balance in a relationship is for everyone to be responsible for making sure their own needs are met. This requires clear communication. Typically, men are better at communicating what they need than women are. If a man needs down time, he asks for it, if he needs sex, he asks for it. If he does not get his needs me right away, he will ask for it again. Women, on the other hand are often reluctant to ask for what they need, and if they do not get it right away, or if there is any resistance, women often give up. They would rather put aside their needs, than communicate clearly and effectively about what they need.
Problems Communicating in Your Relationship
Men tend to offer resistance when they are asked to do something, even if the woman is clearly communicating.
Woman: Honey, will you go to a marriage education class with me?
Man: Geez, I like to relax on the weekends. Why, do I have to go to a marriage education class?
Men equate suffering with showing love. When a man complains about doing something, he wants to make sure you realize how much of a sacrifice that he is making. It is his way of communicating how much he loves you.
Women tend to hear the complaint, and back off from what they are asking. Women start to feel guilty about asking for their needs.
Asking For What We Need
Jesus said that we do not have what we want in prayer because we do not ask. And how did he say we should ask? He said we should ask assertively without ceasing. Jesus tells us a story about houseguests showing up in the middle of the night, hungry and tired from their traveling. Which one of us would not go to our neighbor and knock on their door, asking for food to feed the guests? He goes on to say, which one of us, if we received no answer would not knock all the harder? Likewise, when we ask for what we need in our relationships, we should ask assertively, and ask until we get what we want. Let us be perfectly clear here, we are not talking about nagging. We are encouraging women to clearly articulate and communicate what they need, and express it from the heart.
“Sweetheart, I would really like us to get some marriage counseling. It is very important to me that we work on our issues and learn to communicate. I want us to make an investment in our future together. I know you are tired after a long day at work, but I appreciate the sacrifice of your time that you are willing to make for us.”
This woman is not nagging. She is calmly and clearly expressing what she wants and needs. Now, even if the man complains, she will know that he is expressing his sacrifice and love for her. In this way both people can become balanced, the Giver and the Getter. Women can learn to get their needs met and men can learn to give, and in so doing, create a new goal of pursuit, that of a healthy, happy and balanced relationship.
You can purchase the full 45 minute talk about Balanced Love for only $5.00.
